A Timely Death
by khanmiR1
Summary: AU: Jane Shepard is sent for the beacon on Eden Prime. When she unexpectedly witnesses Nihlus Kryik's murder, her death shortly follows. Awakening to find herself back in the cargo bay a week before her Eden Prime mission, Shepard must find a way to get through this time loop...even if it means witnessing his death over and over until the way out is revealed.
1. Chapter 1

**EDIT 12 JAN 16: Chapter 9 is here! I hope you like it!**

* * *

I really liked reading about the 'groundhog day' stories on the MEkinkmeme. So, here's my version.

Prompt:

Nihlus Kryik is supposed to die on Eden Prime. Almost all of the parallels in the universe dictate and demand his death. Subsequently, in all of these parallels, Shepard does not or cannot witness his murder. But what happens when Shepard accidentally stumbles upon a twisted scene of betrayal and locks eyes with the victim? A new, broken parallel emerges, throwing Shepard into a circular chaos where she must continue to protect Nihlus's now fragile life. If he dies, they start over. But how does the cycle end?

* * *

...~^~...

It wasn't until the fourth death that Shepard realized her folly. As she sat in the cargo bay, shoulders hunched, elbows on her knees, face in her palms, she remembered his death. She remembered all four times as clear as day. They never changed; in fact if there was one thing she would ever bet on again in her life, it would be the fact that Nihlus Kryik would die from a bullet through the back of his head.

The first time she saw it, Shepard let out a cry to rival a god's voice and charged the Betrayer. He had smirked at her and kicked with otherworldly speed. Her ribs snapped like twigs and she landed next to Nihlus in his growing puddle of blood. She watched helplessly as the killer walked away slowly, nonchalantly, confidently. Using what little strength she had left, she moved her body to lie resting next to his. Her eyes were shut and she wished with all her might that her resolve would overcome her curiosity. But alas, she gave in and moved her gaze upward to see his wound. Shepard had shamelessly wept. When fatigue finally took her into its embrace, it was strangely peaceful.

Until she awoke in the cargo hold with a gripping fear that clutched at her lungs and left her gasping for air. Striking emerald eyes came into view. Her breathing slowed and trembling hands moved of their own accord to lightly cup his mandibles. He laughed and mumbled that he should let her take naps more often if she would wake to greet him as such each time. Nihlus's spread smile faded quickly when Shepard let the first tears fall down her temples and past her ears. He looked nervous and worried to her, but she didn't care. Something had happened and he was alive. His death had felt so _real._ It must have been a nightmare.

The days rolled by with abnormal similarities to her supposed dream. By the time Shepard and her team touched down on Eden Prime with Nihlus far ahead, she was in a complete fog. Her body felt as if it were going through a path of set motions. With each step she took and each bullet she fired, her mind remembered the feeling as if she had done it before. Déjà vu was completely out of the question when she found herself separated from her group _again_ and picking through familiar foliage. Her heart raced as she continued to cut down large stalks of brush. The weeds grew thicker but her feet moved faster; faster than they had in her dream. She was practically running through every obstacle when finally her body tore through the threshold. It was suddenly clear, and she could see him. He looked right at her, _through_ her, with those piercing eyes and time seemed to freeze. Shepard swallowed hard and her knees felt weak. She watched the same murderer behind Nihlus raise his gun in slow motion. But Shepard didn't move, _couldn't_ move. She was stuck in a trance begat of fear and shock. When the trigger was pulled, she swore she could hear the distinctive 'click'. Her heart wrenched in horror as Nihlus's forehead burst apart to give way to the intrusion. His now lifeless body fell to its knees and so did she. Her mind registered movement from the killer but she didn't care. Shepard's eyes were glued to Nihlus falling slowly forward before finally hitting the concrete with a dull thud. He was dead for a second time. She couldn't breathe and all she could think about was that it was a dream. It had to be a dream, it couldn't be real. But when she looked up and saw the killer's gun trained on her, she knew. The 'click' was once again heard, and her brain shortly thereafter ceased its thoughts.

White exploded behind her eye sockets and a scream tore past her throat. Shepard fell off of her napping crate and onto her knees, holding her face and sobbing painfully.

"Shepard! What the hell?!" It was _his_ voice and it sounded frantic. She barely registered his hands gripping at her shoulders and pulling her up into his chest. She gasped and wheezed and pushed her face into the shoulder provided, clutching desperately at Nihlus's torso in a tight hug. They stayed like that for a while, wrapped up in each other's arms on the floor of the Cargo Hold. Shepard cried softly while Nihlus stroked her hair and rubbed at her back. He rocked her gently and tucked his face into the crook of her neck and quietly shushed her cries. He whispered it was alright into her ear and squeezed her gently in his arms when she shuddered.

The following days were awkward. Nihlus asked her regularly if she was okay, or if she wanted to discuss her dream. Shepard always responded with a quick and quiet no. When they stood in the Cargo Bay once more, cocking their guns and readying their ammo rations, Nihlus approached her again.

"You haven't been yourself."

She looked up at him in slight confusion. They weren't supposed to act this way. She wasn't supposed to be friendly with him. He was about to die so soon, and she hated him for it. "You barely know me enough to have seen what 'myself' truly is." He stared at her long and hard. Blues met green in a silent battle of who would back down first. Nihlus blinked and turned toward the door, hand at the ready to release the hatch. That was the end of it. So many times had Shepard attempted to muster up the courage to talk to him. She wanted to tell him of his death, of how he shouldn't go to the transport station. Better yet, he should simply sit this one out and let her go alone. But every time there was a lull in the talking, Nihlus would make a small quip to recharge the conversing. What sort of opportunity was she waiting for? The timing never came and all too soon Shepard was leading her ground crew towards the first clearing. Nihlus's voice crackled through their comms to inform them of the carnage at the settlement and that he was going on ahead to check things out at the station. With adrenaline pumping through her veins, Shepard swiped her hand up to her comm button in a hasty attempt to stop him.

"No! Nihlus don-" She was cut off by a sharp yell next to her. It was Jenkins, once again too naïve and inexperienced to keep hold of his situational awareness. Shepard stood stock-still as she watched him crumple to the ground in a spray of crimson blood. Her mind whispered 'what a shame' but her body felt nothing. No guilt, no anxiety, no pain. Jenkins was meant to die here, there wasn't a way around it; but Nihlus… She needed to get to Nihlus. Nothing else around her mattered and she turned towards the clearing to get to Ashley. Kaiden's ignorant voice yelled after her to ask where she was going in such a hurry. As fast as she could, Shepard ducked and wove through bullet blasts, remembering easily where each drone and geth were hidden. She threw a few ammo packs to Ashley when she rounded the corner, skipping any introductions altogether. Up the hill, through the Husks, over the line of bushes and down another hill. She emerged again where she had the first two times and found Nihlus in conversation with his killer.

"Nihlus, duck!" Her interjection echoed through the empty station and both turians turned to face the source of the voice. But her heart nearly stopped when she saw her mistake. The murderer took her cry as an opportunity, and sunk the bullet into the back of Nihlus's unsuspecting brain. Shepard's feet must have moved on their own because she found herself standing directly in front of him by the time his limp body began to fall forward. He fell into her arms, spilling his dark blue blood onto her chest piece and bringing them both down to the ground. Jane was ready with her gun locked and aimed for the infuriatingly smug turian in front of her. He laughed at her.

"Hold him close, _human_. Perhaps he'll have a safe journey to the afterlife in your dead arms." He shot her before she even had time to pull her own trigger.

* * *

She awoke sweating and panting heavily; though there was no scream. She had been ready for her death this time. The feeling of Nihlus's heavy body in her arms still tingled on her skin as she tried to rub the phantasm away. Was this really a dream? How could she possibly dream the same thing over and over again without ever waking? Her attention was drawn to the living Nihlus at the other end of the Cargo hold. He was seated on a crate, polishing each piece of his armor, oblivious to Jane's plight. She needed to talk to him, needed to know this was real.

"Hey."

"Good morning. Sleep well?"

"Eh…not really."

He rumbled a small laugh. "That's what you get for falling asleep on an ammo crate." She laughed with him, still massaging her arms to relieve herself of the ever present tingling. When their chuckling subsided, it was completely quiet once more. Nihlus resumed his polishing and Shepard leaned against a crate opposite of him, watching. She was losing her nerve. Perhaps she should have thought out her approach a little bit more before actually executing her plan to speak with him. He would think she was absolutely bonkers if she immediately rattled out her looping dream of him dying and her mourning his loss like nothing she had ever experienced. Why _did_ she care so much? She knew the answer already. Because he had befriended her. He had been the first turian to treat her _nicely_ and fall into a friendly banter after their meeting. He told her she was a good soldier, and that he respected her. He told her that he was interested in her potential for Spectre status. And then he died. More than that, she _watched_ him die. Jane had witnessed three times now, a bullet fly through his head. And she had seen with an overwhelming sorrow in her heart, the life leave his bright green eyes. Her hands rubbed at her face and she exhaled. Shepard needed to say something; _anything_.

"Do you…mind if we talk?"

"About what?"

She fidgeted. Why wasn't this easier? "About a dream I had." She flinched a bit when he set down his armor and polishing pad. But when he crossed his arms and looked at her patiently, she relaxed.

"I've uh…never had one like it before. And it actually scares me."

"I'm all ears, Shepard."

"It's about you."

He hesitated, but urged her gently to go on. "What about me?"

 _Here goes nothing_. "You die. And I watch you die the same way every time, in such incredible detail. It's terrifying and sad, and I cry like I've never cried before. And then I die soon after. That's when I wake up." Her hands were wringing nervously and she couldn't bring herself to make eye contact. As expected, he was completely silent. Jane wondered in that moment what he was thinking.

"You…you tell me this as if you have the dream regularly?" She nodded slowly, finally looking up to see his face. He was staring at her hard, the very same way he looked at her before going to his most recent death. Shepard closed her eyes and silently berated herself for thinking of his deaths as if they were real. _They aren't real, Jane. Just bad dreams._

"I'm not really sure what to say, Shepard. How often do you have the dream?"

"That's the thing…I feel like it's one long dream. Right now, I feel like I just woke up from a month long coma with the entirety of that sleep filled with that…dream." She said 'dream' as if it were made of poison.

"You've only been asleep for about 40 minutes."

"I know. But every time you died, I would wake up and see you here alive. Then we would live for 5 more days, in _detail_ until we're sent to Eden Prime where you get shot. The cycle went on for three times before I woke up just now. And here I am, telling you all of this, and I still don't know if I'm even awake." Shepard felt like a complete idiot when Nihlus huffed at her last statement. He thought she was crazy, she knew it.

Then he did something interesting. Nihlus's hand reached over and pinched her arm. He just _pinched_ her and stood there, mandibles flexed apart in a turian, shit-eating grin. Shepard couldn't help herself despite the gravity of her situation. She laughed until she cried, Nihlus chuckling deeply along with her. After that she stayed and talked with Nihlus about dream symbolism. He explained to her all about turian customs and culture, and what role dreams played to them. He made her feel relaxed and comfortable. By the end of the night, Jane felt happy. She was at peace, sitting next to Nihlus in the cargo hold, the two pouring drinks for each other and swapping stories. She didn't know when they had fallen asleep, but she awoke refreshed. For the second time in her life, she opened her eyes to see emerald green ones staring down from above her. Slowly, she regained her senses one at a time. The air smelled of metal and polishing cream. All she saw was Nihlus's face above hers. The cargo hold was still just as quiet as the night before. When she felt his fingers tangled in her hair and lightly massaging her scalp, Jane sighed and nestled herself in his lap.

"You plan on staying here for the day?"

"Nothing else is giving me a reason to move. I hadn't realized a spectre would make such a nice pillow."

"Well it's 0530, so you've got about half an hour to get your fill before I'll have to kick you off. Are you feeling better?"

 _No_. But she smiled up at him regardless. The next few days went by in the blink of an eye for Jane, despite her efforts to draw them out as much as she could. She and Nihlus had become closer than any times prior to his deaths and she wanted to savor the time they spent. When the day came to touch down on Eden Prime, Nihlus found her pacing in the cargo hold.

"I can always count on finding you down here, can't I?"

"Nihlus. I know what's going to happen down there and I can't let you go." He sighed and walked up to her.

"I appreciate your concern, Shepard, but that isn't your call to make."

"You're going to die."

"Shepard, I thought we went over this. It was just a ridiculous dream! My superiors tell me I'm needed down there. Innocents are dying; I can't stay behind."

Jane wanted to cry. Her fists balled and she fought the urge to scream at him. He was stupid and stubborn. She wanted to let loose her concern for him and convince him that she was right. But maybe she was losing grips with reality. No matter how real the dreams felt, Nihlus standing in front of her, telling her it wasn't true; _that_ was what she wanted to believe. She couldn't deny that this iteration felt different than the others. No one on board had said anything that matched exactly what the ones prior had been. Perhaps…she resolved to stay positive. Shepard hoped it would be enough.

It wasn't.

Shepard found herself freely sobbing, clutching Nihlus's dead form. She was bloody and tired. The killer was once again in front of her. This time he spared her a few moments more than the previous death cycles as he watched her with barely any interest. She forgot about him and cried into her turian's shoulder as she tried to hug him closer. After a few more minutes she vaguely heard him scoff and cock his pistol.

This was it. Jane held up her palm to the turian, pausing his actions. She quieted her cries and gently laid Nihlus onto the ground beside her. She placed her gun on his chest and brought both of his hands to rest over it. It was a terrible burial, but the best she had given him thus far. When she stood, her eyes locked with the killer's, strong and unafraid.

"I'll get you."

* * *

Shepard awoke on the crate again. She rose slowly, smoothing her shirt. It was peaceful in the cargo hold with the only sound being Nihlus's armor lightly clacking on a table as he worked at restoring its shining finish. Her final words to his murderer rang and echoed in her head. She lowered her face into her palms as she reflected on the torturous cycles she'd lived through, vowing to avenge him for _each_ of them.


	2. Chapter 2

...~^~...

* * *

Shepard sat in the mess hall, staring intently into her cup of coffee as if it held all the answers. If only it were that easy. She glanced at the clock; almost 2200. Of course she didn't have to look at the clock to know roughly what time it was. The mess hall was nearly clear, with only herself remaining at the table. She was usually in bed by this time. Unfortunately, sleep was the furthest from her mind. If she was going to fix this _loop_ she was stuck in, she had planning to do. The first thing Jane resolved would need to happen was a proper confrontation with Nihlus. No games, no laughing, no flirting. He needed to be made aware of the situation and how serious it was. Most of all, he needed to be made to _trust_ her. In fact, that was the main, if not only issue. It was easy for Shepard to tell Nihlus all about what was happening to her, but if he didn't trust or believe her then it was pointless to even talk to him.

She would be in denial if she said she hadn't thought of every possibility to a solution, including the scenarios where she killed him herself. It was of course, crazy, but how was she to know what was right and wrong? Was he another Jenkins, doomed to die on that planet without a second thought from the universe? It couldn't be…but then again she hadn't died right after Jenkin's death. It was only after watching Nihlus's that she would be caught and killed. She took a swig of her now stale and cold drink. Many of the possible solutions she had thought of were ones that would not be testable. At least not at the moment anyway. She didn't want to know what would happen if she died for good. The universe was giving her chance after chance to do _something_ , she just needed to find out what it was.

Her brooding was interrupted by the most familiar of faces. Yet as he sat across from her, he felt far away; she was once again a stranger in his eyes.

"How's your coffee?"

"The best the military has to offer. Care for a sip?" She watched in amusement as he flicked a mandible out and drew his head slightly back in an action that looked like disgust.

"I'm alright, thanks. What are you doing up; you're usually in your bunk by this time."

"Been memorizing my schedule, I see?" So much for 'no games, no flirting'.

"Well, you're invading in my space after hours, Shepard. Just made an observation." As Nihlus stepped over to the small kitchen, Shepard mentally practiced what she might say to him. It was awkward for her to be talking to him so _normally_ , as if everything were fine. How could she be the only one dealing with this? He was completely oblivious to her pain. She watched him die multiple times, and he was perfectly content and utterly ignorant of it all.

She sighed in defeat. It seemed she wasn't meant to get anywhere with this tonight anyway. "I just couldn't sleep."

Nihlus returned to the seat opposite her with a cup of his own. The steaming drink smelled of an herbal mixture and she watched curiously as he took a timid sip. "I always have a difficult time adjusting my sleep pattern to a new ship. What's your excuse?"

Shepard tensed a bit out of reflex. She had to remember that he wasn't aware of her duress. "Honestly? Nightmares, I guess."

"Mm." He nodded knowingly. "Spectres don't get nightmares. It's in the job description." Jane chuckled low and continued to hold her smile as she drank.

…~^~…

Jane looked over the edge of the overhang with her legs dangling in the air below. The view was breathtaking, and she felt oddly at peace looking out at the valley. Not ten minutes prior, she had watched Nihlus die for a fifth time. How strange to still be alive. Instead of running out or grabbing his attention somehow, she stayed hidden and watched. It was not what she had initially intended, however something made her legs lock up and keep her in her position behind the bushes. Peeking through the leaves was the only view offered of the treacherous scene. While the experience was angering (to say the least), Jane was grateful for it. A lack of answers had always left her confused and afraid. After seeing the entire betrayal, from Saren's appearance to the wound in her friend's head, Jane's mind was at rest in that aspect. She now knew the killer's name and why Nihlus was destined to die. There was much more to everything of course, but thinking on that could wait.

For now, she simply wanted to relax in silence. Her comm link was disconnected; no one could hear her and she thankfully couldn't hear them. It was the first time since it had all started that she was able to be completely alone. The only sound was the cawing of a heron, some couple hundred yards away. She watched it swoop down below the tree line, then back up to soar and glide further into the valley.

"I wish I could fly away from all of this." She whispered quietly to herself. Her gloved fingers rubbed a small button absentmindedly. Nihlus had given it to her before they parted ways. Jane smiled softly as she thought of how different each recurrence was. This particular time brought only joy into her heart. Fond memories of the past five days came to mind when she looked down at the button she held. They spent each night together in the mess hall, long after the day crew took to bed for the night cycle. Nihlus would tell her about his family and friends back on Palaven and she would talk about hers back on Earth. They swapped battle stories and mission adventures. They even discussed past lovers.

Each night became more and more personal, until it peaked during the last cycle before receiving the solemn transmission from Eden Prime. Instead of sitting across from her at the table, Nihlus had decided to seat himself at her side.

" _To what do I owe the pleasure of smelling your BO even more strongly tonight?" she looked at him smugly as he gave a low rumbling chuckle._

" _I need to get something off my chest, Shepard." He looked…nervous. It was highly plausible however, that Jane was simply misinterpreting his body language. Talking to a turian a few times did not suddenly make her an expert. She turned to face him and gave her full attention._

" _I'm listening."_

" _I've enjoyed spending my nights with you. But, I need to tell you that I haven't been completely honest about my interest."_

" _What do you mean?"_

" _I nominated you personally for spectre candidacy."_

 _Well that wasn't as bad as she had thought. "That's what you've been hiding from me? Nihlus, that news means a lot. I really appreciate your confidence in my abilities."_

 _He shook his head slightly. "Well, that's not all. All of the things you told me; I knew already. The council doesn't fully trust you yet. So since I showed initial interest, they assigned me to…research you. I have a lot of files on you, so when you tell me all of these things about you…I just kind of play along with it."_

 _It was certainly a lot to take in, but it was hardly terrifying or angering for Jane. Nihlus on the other hand seemed to think the world as they knew it was about to end. He was refusing to make eye contact with her, despite their close proximity. It was almost laughable how out of proportion it felt. The deed might not have been extremely honorable on the Council's part, but how was Nihlus to be blamed? He had simply been doing his job. Frankly, Jane thought it was nice of him to listen so patiently to her through their discussions even when he already knew everything she was saying. Perhaps she was biased; were it not for her…disagreements with time, she might be inclined to think him an invasive prick. But at this point, Shepard felt she knew more intimate things about Nihlus than he could have ever found about her through a simple glance at her military personnel files._

 _They had spoken so many times without this current Nihlus's knowing. She knew about the small scar across the side of his neck from a wild varen attack in his childhood. She knew about how rough his time before spectre-hood was. But it wasn't just these details about his life or experiences. Those things could be found by anyone with high enough security clearance. The previous conversations with his past selves revealed many quirks about his personality and demeanor. She had noticed almost immediately how quickly he had warmed up to her when she initiated conversation. It always tugged at her interest when she watched him interact in a very neutral manner towards the rest of the crew. But when he spoke to her, his eyes seemed to light up and his mannerisms seemed to be more enthusiastic and pronounced. Where he was usually mild mannered and stoic, with her he was lively and humorous._

 _So it wasn't a surprise to Jane that he was currently acting so guilty. She suddenly had a small, creeping thought that maybe this turian cared for her. It was a sweet thought, that someone so different could relate to her so easily. She placed a warm hand on his shoulder and gazed reassuringly into his face._

" _It's alright Nihlus. Maybe next time you should stop me before I go on with telling you a story you already know. I bet you've been bored to death talking to me." She gave a small laugh and took a final sip of her coffee._

 _Nihlus breathed and leaned against the table, his demeanor now showing a guilt-free conscience. "Either way, I'm sorry for invading your privacy. I wanted to give you something; or rather, make you a promise."_

 _Nihlus held out a closed fist in the air in front of her, and gestured to have her hand. Jane curiously opened her palm._

" _It's my pin I received when they inducted me into Spectre training. I'm not sure how it works with humans, but I think letting you hold onto mine will show you that I intend to keep my promise."_

" _What promise?"_

" _To do everything in my power to get you recruited as a Spectre." Jane laughed. It wasn't the kind of laugh she would give when something was funny. This one rang with sarcasm and a few underlying tones of pain. She would hide it as she always did, with humour. "How do you know I even want to be a Spectre?" she asked with a half-hearted smile._

" _If you truly didn't have ambitions of that caliber, I wouldn't be as vested in your success as I am. You would make a useful addition to the team." He straightened and closed her hands around the pin for her. "I like you , Shepard. Should you accept it, my recommendation is yours alone."_

 _She gingerly held the pin as hot tears welled in her eyes. It was beautifully adorned with gold flecked leaves along the edge. Inside the ring of leaves was script, which she recognized as the turian language. It was the most endearing gift she had ever received, even if the promise that came with it would be for naught. Her eyes lifted to Nihlus's again as she sniffed away any inkling of her sorrows._

" _I accept your promise, Nihlus."_

The pin was a bit heavy in her fingers, no doubt from the weight of his death just moments ago. Jane tucked it into a small pocket on the inner lining of her chest piece, next to her heart. She leaned her elbows on her knees and wept quietly into the air. The tears dropped into the abyss beneath her, and she ignored any fear of falling. It was replaced with a dreadful sorrow that filled her entire being.

What was this emotion? She had felt it each time he had departed from life. It had only been five times, but it felt like so many more. The stress of saving him ate away at her as she continued to cry over the cliff side. How could she be so weak? So powerless? Was this a cruel lamentation for some unspeakable act she committed? Jane couldn't conjure any memory of a heinous crime that would warrant such terrible punishment.

She was unimaginably full of sorrow. The only emotion that measured up with this one was anger. After her quick breaths subsided and the only remnants of her sobs were a slight puff to her eyes, she sat back and planned. Anger was what drove her to her next conclusion. Saren needed to die. For Nihlus's sake; for her sake. This particular death hadn't brought about her own, so she would use this chance at a continued life wisely.

…~^~…

1 year. One full year had passed since Nihlus's death. Jane sat in the cargo hold, just as she always had since she escaped Eden Prime with her life. She had hers, but Nihlus didn't. The call of vengeance was the only thing that pushed her to go forward and move on with her life. Although, her way of living afterwards was hardly 'moving on'. Every move she made was in memory of her friend. Every choice she took, every path she walked was all for Nihlus. And after one terribly drawn out year, Jane had finally succeeded.

Her hands shook as they always seemed to do now, and she reached hastily into her pocket. Nervous fingers greedily took his pin from beneath her clothing and twirled it about. It was a relaxing totem for her; one that worked well to ease tension, even if it was only a small amount. Shepard leaned against a provisions crate and closed her eyes, tightly clutching her gift.

"Hey, Skipper. What's eating you, shouldn't you be on deck, leading us to another victory?" Shepard creeked open an eye. It was Ashley.

"What about you, lieutenant? Not having enough fun ordering the new recruits around?"

Ashley laughed shortly and sat next to her. "Not nearly enough opportunities for that, actually. Briggs took it upon himself to assign them all to new stations. I gave up trying to get them back to my area and came down here for some fresh air. You know how stuffy it can get on the bridge. Besides, it feels oddly silent without any non-human conversations." She twiddled her thumbs in thought before continuing. "I wish we didn't all split up like we did. Garrus, Liara, Wrex…all of them. I miss them all."

Jane hummed softly in agreement and looked down to her totem. Still safe and in her palm, exactly where it should be. While she missed the crew, same as her lieutenant, she still missed Nihlus more. It was difficult to think of anything else, and if Jane didn't know any better, she'd say she were in love with him.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Shepard rolled her eyes before closing them once more. "There isn't anything to talk about, Ash."

The lieutenant was silent, and Jane swore she could feel Ashley's eyes boring through her very soul. Maybe if she stayed quiet with her eyes closed, the problem would leave. However, upon opening her eyes again, Shepard found Ashley still next to her, peering down at the pin.

"What's that, boss?"

"It's my friend's Spectre pin. He gave it to me before he died."

"I'm sorry for your loss, Commander." Ashley was polite enough to not press it and remained quiet. But Shepard needed this. She couldn't keep her feelings within her forever.

"Today is the anniversary of it." Shepard whispered into nothing as she held the scuffed and faded gold pin between her fingers.

"Look, I can empathize with what you're going throu-"

"No you can't. You have no _idea_ what I am going through; what I _went_ through, Ash."

Ashley's face softened and she touched her Commander's shoulder in earnest. "I can try to imagine. I just want you to know that I'm here for you."

"I just…For so long, all I've wanted to do was kill Saren. I wanted to steal the breath away from that sniveling excuse of a turian in vengeance for Nihlus's murder. It finally happened… only for me to find out that he might not have been completely at fault. That he might have been _mentally unstable_."

The lieutenant fidgeted under Shepard's lost gaze. "Well, I mean, it seems like the Reapers are capable of a shit load of things…mind control included."

"But where will it end? I still feel like I'm on a wild goose chase, even though I already caught one."

The two women looked hard at each other. Both knew the other agreed with that statement. A break had never come to them in the long year that passed. When one finally did reach them, it was always interrupted.

This one was no exception, as Joker's voice through the loud speaker snapped them out of their lull.

The Normandy was under attack.

…~^~…

She thought of Nihlus when she suffocated. The deaths that Shepard had experienced were quick and nearly painless. This one was different. It had been slow and agonizing, like she was being cooked on a spit, rotating and spinning to her doom. As much as she hated to admit, Jane was absolutely terrified of dying. The process felt almost forced, as if something wanted to draw it out as much as possible before finally letting go peacefully. Still, no matter how painful it was, she still lingered on the memory of him. She thought of his deep chuckle when she amused him, the one that seemed to be only reserved for her. She thought of his brightly colored eyes glinting in the dim lighting of the mess hall, as they watched her tell a story.

As the colors around her faded to gray, she visualized his face in the cargo hold when he pushed her lightly before she took the shot.

Shepard realized she wasn't ready. She needed to continue, needed to carry on for his sake. The colors came back as her last fighting will to live flared up in a desperate attempt at surviving. She looked around and she was falling. And suddenly, her body became fully aware of everything around her. Her suit was compromised from her free fall through a thick atmosphere and her oxygen supply was almost gone. Her lungs strained themselves to suck in what little air she had left. She wasn't ready. Her helmet was nearly shattered, cracked so fully that she could barely see anything outside of her armor. It wasn't supposed to end like this. Shepard needed to fight. But the death that was so long overdue came rushing to her, overtaking her body in full force.

She woke again in the cargo hold, winded and coughing in a vain attempt at breathing new life into them. Nihlus was next to her then with the polishing pad still in his hand.

"You alright, Shepard?" One look at his eyes had her promptly sitting up. She reached her trembling hands up to hold his face. Tugging his mandibles, she pulled him into a kiss.

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	3. Chapter 3

**EDIT:** to confirm, YES, this is a Shryik romance. But I am trying a good, slow buildup to this one because I feel the relationship should have a little more meat to it (heh). I do plan for this story to have a lot of detail and a lot of new elements to the ME world, as it is in an AU.

 **Remember:** Reviews help. Have a suggestion? Tell me. Like something? Tell me. Dislike something? Tell me that too. I like feedback.

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It wasn't as if he _didn't_ like her. In fact, his respect and admiration for the woman far surpassed what he had for some of his own peers. She was something unique and new, and it intrigued Nihlus to no end. So, yes, he _did_ like her.

But this was different. While he thought of her as an exceptional being, the adoration never evolved into much of anything else. They were too different from each other for his mind to wander into further territory of the…savory kind. Besides, he had too many turian women for his eyes to be wasting time in ogling a human. But then again, he had to admit there were times when his mind drifted a little too close to the edge. Reading her file and bumping into her from time to time on his diplomatic visits to alliance ships was one thing. Those times were few and far between and he had barely had time to register that she was even female. But then he was assigned to watch her; to essentially live with her on the same ship for weeks. And every so often he would run into her sparring in the cargo bay, or laughing with a few of her peers. Then it escalated to almost every other day that they would see each other in the cargo hold. He would always be polishing one thing or another, and she would always be engulfed in her target practice. Sometimes he would find himself silently watching her shoulders tense right before a shot. He'd begun to count the times she flexed her fingers before placing the index at the trigger. But that was it; that was the extent of his thoughts.

In fact, if Nihlus were to be completely honest with himself, he would admit that he wasn't really thinking at all when he watched her. His mind was completely blank, he would simply be polishing and glancing. And the fact that his always buzzing mind was void of anything when he saw her struck him as quite odd. Perhaps it was a subconscious action to intentionally clear himself of anything that might prove an attraction. But did this mean that he was… _interested_ in her? Well of course he was. He had already established with himself that he was interested. The real question was, which _kind_ of interested was he?

Before today, he would have argued with the whole galaxy that he was interested in her as a soldier; a candidate. He was interested in her skill, not her genitals! But, of course, fate always strikes you when you least expect it. At least, this is what Nihlus decided to blame his newfound attraction on. Yes, it was fate that was causing him to remember the soft sensation of Shepard's lips on his mouth.

What in Spirit's name had gotten into that woman, anyway? If he didn't know any better, he would have thought that she was a little xenophobic. Not that she had displayed any such tendencies, but he figured she wouldn't be quite fond of turians. Especially since she came from a family that was extremely vested in the First Contact war. But apparently, previous bias did not have a hold on Jane Shepard.

Nihlus grunted in frustration. He felt like an idiotic teenager again, pining over some small action of the opposite sex. That was the thing though; that act didn't feel small. Jane hadn't gripped him lustfully like a primed Asari consort. She hadn't mashed her mouth to his forcefully. Unexpectedly, her touch was gentle. Her fingers grazed his mandibles with the tenderness of a lover. Her lips pressed sweetly against the plates of his mouth without want or need or lust. To be on the receiving end of such intimacy; it did things to Nihlus.

For one, he was stunned speechless and motionless. Perhaps if she _had_ displayed those signs of lust, he would have been in the right mind to push her away in disgust. She would have made an unwelcome move with an apparent display of weakness. Instead, Jane might as well have had him in a choke hold. Any humanoid being that he had kissed before had only done it hastily. A lot of Asari women had actually performed the small action out of habit, and apologized to him for it afterwards. But her kiss was long and satisfying. It didn't feel like she wanted him to take her without thought. It felt like…more.

If he wanted to seriously sit and analyze her kiss, he would think back to a few movies he watched with an ex girlfriend. There were a few scenes that portrayed a couple on their first date. The kiss they shared was their goodnight to each other before they parted ways. Jane's kiss was nothing like that. Some other scenes he thought back on showed well established married couples give each other chaste pecks with quick 'I love you's. Also different from Jane's kiss. Then he remembered a third type of kiss scene featured in a tragic movie. A military couple had reunited after their respective deployments to two areas opposite of each other in the Galaxy. The two spotted one another after exiting their vehicles. After practically running and meeting in the middle of the station, they touched each other's faces and kissed with a passion so strong. It was beautiful and sorrowful, happy and panicked all at the same time.

When Jane looked into his eyes with her bright blues, Nihlus swore this was what the couple felt. He saw everything and felt a connection with her. Had she been any other being, her touch to his mandibles would have driven him back immediately. But her caress was soft and warm, and the feel of the pads of her fingers only worked to bring his face closer to her. He had watched her close her eyes slowly and nudge his face with her nose and brush soft lips on his mouth. Even through the rigid plating, he felt strongly how warm she was. It was unlike any physical contact he had ever experienced and he realized the feeling was one of the best. When she gently lifted him away, all he could do was gape at her silently.

But Nihlus knew he was driving himself mad with this. He needed to know why he was reading into the kiss like he was; why the feel of her lips not only heated his loins but stopped his heart dead in its tracks.

He found her in the cargo bay. Jane lay flat on her stomach with her rifle trained on the target at the other end of the hold. Nihlus stepped quietly over and seated himself next to her. He watched her trademark motions, the ones that would help him pick her out as a sniper a mile away; the ones he had grown to know so easily. Jane inhaled deeply and tensed her muscles.

"Shepard." He spoke right when her finger landed on the trigger, but she didn't miss. She never missed.

The silence that followed was somewhat tiring for Nihlus. Talking to the woman that kissed you out of the blue was definitely easier said than done. And if he was the one to be saying so, it should be known just how difficult the task at hand was. His ace in the hole for his entire career was an uncanny ability to talk himself in or out of a situation. Need a way into alliance territory? Send Nihlus Kryik. Want to untie your turian spies from a Quarian diplomatic charge? Nihlus can handle that.

Want to confront an upheld soldier about an instant of unprofessionalism on their part? Count him out.

Where did this leave him, then? Nihlus was stuck between a rock and a hard place, both of which involved this damned woman. If he confronted her, they might never again be able to hold a decent conversation outside of working hours. If he left it alone, he might never find out her likely insane reasoning. And Nihlus had always been a curious turian. _Spirits damn it all._

"Shepard," he reiterated, this time with a more pronounced urgency. Perhaps she would get the hint that things were serious. As if she had zoned out for the same amount of time he had, she shook her head slightly and sat up to face him. Gun laid across her legs, and blue eyes piercing his own, Nihlus was a bit intimidated.

"Want to talk somewhere else?" her voice was velveteen and silk. Not a care graced the tones of her question that was asked with such melancholy. It was an interesting contrast that grabbed at his attention.

"Where did you have in mind?"

"Five days from now, Nihlus. As soon as we get off this ship."

"Now that we have the 'when' settled…" His curiosity was starting to itch in the back of his head again. She was acting weird and oddly familiar; as if she had spoken to him so many times that she was prepared for anything that would fly out of his mouth. It felt as if she had known him for years. Her extremely relaxed nature with him was unnerving if not a little uncanny. He was at a complete disadvantage. The kiss was wonderfully new, but it only served to confuse him.

She smirked and softly snorted. "Well _wherever_ it is that we end up when we do get off, then that's where we'll talk."

Nihlus was annoyed to say the least. "Shepard, I'm not following."

Her face was suddenly angry. "Of course you don't. You never do, Nihlus. I swear, I feel like I'm going mad."

 _She feels like she's going mad? I feel like I am literally losing my sanity, in real time, with each word she speaks!_

"Look Shepard, I didn't know how to bring this up to you without hurting you. But you can't just sit there and say these things like you know me. You _kissed_ me, and it was…weird. Not the act itself, but the _way_ you did it. Understand that I am only trying to get an explanation to lessen my confusion." Nihlus heaved a sigh and slouched. He hadn't intended to sound as stern as he did, but it couldn't be helped. He watched her closely, studying any small movements or actions that could clue him into her thoughts. Jane seemed confused herself for a moment before mimicking his exasperated slouch.

"I know that everything I've been saying sounds weird. And I want to apologize before I continue. I'm truly sorry for springing something so intimate on you like that. I didn't think about how it would make you feel."

"Well, I mean I didn't necessarily _hate_ it, but that's a conversation for another time." Nihlus flexed his left mandible slightly outward in a smirk, but Jane was unresponsive.

"Nihlus…This is serious." He nodded his head in assent and decided to allow her to take the lead. She had seemed hard at thought during their entire talk and he realized that she might have a lot to say. He was okay with that.

His keen eyes locked on her throat, convulsing ever so slightly as she swallowed. _Nervousness_.

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Jane was filled to the brim with nervousness. It wasn't just an anxiety of what was to come. With it came the guilt of her actions with the contrasting touch of happiness from simply being in front of him again. Never before had she been so overwhelmed with her emotions. Then again, she would never have guessed that her life would take such an unexpected turn.

She looked into the brightest eyes she had ever seen and saw her tiny reflection in them. She didn't see anger or confusion or regret clouding her image; just a faint picture of her on an emerald background. Out of all of the different versions of him she knew, they were all patient with her. His silence was the best reception she could ask for. Jane closed her eyes and took a few breaths to calm her nerves.

Words and sentences and thoughts sped through her mind and she felt as if she couldn't think straight. She needed to pick something and focus on it.

 _Nihlus_. She chose to focus on him. It was what she had done almost every night when her path to his killer had become difficult. Though this new life had not bestowed her with Nihlus' previous gift, his presence was more than enough. To think, a full year had gone by without him. In that time she found herself aching for him, needed him to be there with her. He was simultaneously everything and nothing, and it killed her inside. His memory was the only thing that had kept her going for so long, yet he sat in front of her now, unknowing of her inner turmoil. She realized she was cursed. Jane Shepard, forced to live a life of tragic repetition while the man in her focus lived over and over again in ignorance. But that was the bittersweet agony of it all. As long as he would continue to live again, she didn't care how many times she had to die to have it reset. And she sure as hell didn't care if he thought her insane. It was time to tell him. The gamble wasn't about getting the truth out sensibly; it was with whether or not he would speak to her again afterwards.

"I need to tell you a few things. We'll start with your Spectre pin."

"My…what about it?"

"Okay, wait. Maybe I should start earlier than that." Shepard paused to clear her throat. "I'm stuck in a time loop, Nihlus. This isn't the first time I've sat in front of you, explaining this situation. Well, to be fair, you didn't believe me last time because I told you it was a dream." She winced at her last interjection. Perhaps it was a mistake to mention a dream. If this Nihlus was anything like the last, he would chalk this all up to be a recurring dream of sorts. She didn't know what she would do if he responded in that like. This time was the last, she swore it. _Nihlus will not die before I do. Not again._

"Each time is practically the same. There are a few differences here and there, like which suit you decide to wear for the ground mission or the rifle you choose to push the recon with." Jane smiled as fond memories flooded her. "There was one time where you insisted I target practice with you poking me incessantly. You told me it would help with concentration. The next shot I took after a particularly hard jab from you hit the target's groin. You stopped poking me and said 'I think you've graduated from this school.'"

When her eyes moved up to his again, Nihlus was slackjawed. She took his silence as an invitation. What did she have to lose at this point? "Anyway. The loop always starts with me napping on the crate and waking up. Five days later, you and I are called to Anderson's for a proper introduction and an overview of our mission on Eden Prime. A serious transmission comes in, showing us a glimpse of what is later found out to be a 'Reaper', and we are issued our first assignment together."

"Wait, wait, wait." Nihlus waved his hand at her and shook his head at her. Jane kept quiet, allowing him time to gather his thoughts.

"Are you talking about the same Reaper that is not proven to exist?"

"But they do exist. Large, prehistoric machines that were around long before us. The rest of its kind is sentient and extremely intelligent. AI's essentially. They wiped out the Protheans."

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Nihlus couldn't believe what he was hearing. What the hell happened between him scolding her for being unprofessional just moments ago, and right now? It was as if the issue at hand was just set on the back burner. Not only was his previous concern gone, but his feelings had seemed to disintegrate as well. Minutes ticked by as he simply sat, growing ever more numb and uncomfortable. She continued, on and on in sickening detail of each of his deaths. The news was interesting to say the least. Nihlus found himself cutting out illogical fantasies of sexually curious encounters. This situation seemed rather dire, the more he listened. Apparently, Shepard had been experiencing each death repeatedly, one right after the other.

Under any other circumstances, Nihlus would have laughed in the face of someone confessing this sort of story to him. But this was Jane Shepard, serious candidate to Spectre-hood. She was to be taken seriously, even in the face of adversity in the form of something rather impossible. But Nihlus knew not to be ignorant in such a matter. Anything was possible in their damn galaxy, and theirs was only a small part of the universe. How much more did they have to learn about, that their minds were not even able to handle?

So her story continued to amaze him, even with his renewed clarity. He displayed a full spectrum of shock. It was confusing, appalling, curious, intriguing. The more she spoke, the more he listened. He followed her story and eventually found himself emotionally attached to her tale. Her words pulled at his heartstrings when she described his last death. Jane had curled her hand into a fist when she mentioned his gift to her; it must have been her entire world at that point. If all she had grown to know was a life of death, to what did she have to look forward to?

He asked questions here and there, yearning for more detail. Shepard provided answers to what she could. When he finally asked what had made her continue, she didn't reply. They experienced their first lull of the night as she led them from the makeshift shooting range to the mess hall. The middle of the night cycle proved to have the ideal story-telling conditions.

Tea and coffee in hand, the two sat across from each other, absorbed and once again in discussion. Another hour went by before Nihlus had finally stumped her.

"Is my death what triggers the reset for you?"

He watched her eyes lower to stare into her coffee as if the small mug held the answer. It was the first time Nihlus had looked at her in this way. Well, to him at least. He was smart enough to gather from her descriptions of him that they might have spent more time together through each loop; with her obviously remembering everything.

In this light, her skin seemed to give off an almost soft glow. Iridescent wasn't quite the right word, though it did seem rather beautiful in a way. The night cycle lighting in the mess hall was just the right amount of brightness to cast soft shadows along the contours of her face. Nihlus found himself feeling content just to be studying her. It had started off as a peculiar situation, but he realized that their discussion had made them friends. Whether or not he truly believed her was something he would have to think on for a day or two. Everything Jane had said was with complete confidence, and the political details of her chase for Saren had made a lot of sense. Everything was realistic; except for the part with the Reapers. Again, it was something he would have to think about.

For now, Nihlus deemed it necessary to reassure this woman. She might still be a mystery to him, but she was obviously distraught. Throughout their conversation he had noticed her becoming more and more soft spoken. She had gradually brought them down to a kind of whisper. Tears were ever present in her eyes while she recounted her most recent memories. But now, as he watched her contemplating the answer to his lingering question, she was stoic; and it was unsettling.

"…Shepard?" She looked up at him. Were her blue eyes always this bright?

"I don't know. I haven't tried dying before you. I don't know if that's selfish of me. I just… I think I've just wanted you to believe me for so long. I don't think I wanted to try. If I didn't reset when I died, then there wouldn't be another chance to find out if the loop I was stuck in changed anything. I don't want all of this to be for nothing, Nihlus. I need to find out why this is happening."

So that was it; a purpose. Jane Shepard had told him things that she probably would not have revealed to anyone else on the ship. So, this left him curious. And of course, he was an unusually curious turian.

"So what do you need me to do, then?"

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He had asked her what she wanted of him. It was the first time, in what seemed to be an eternity, in which she had felt anything close to relief. With his simple question, the tightly wound coil of nerves that had bundled up in her gut loosened itself. She felt free, in a sense. Nihlus nudged her from her left side.

They stood next to each other, waiting for their orders to be given. Her turian had his hand on the release lever, just as he always did in the times prior. But this time was so obviously different. They were about to hit ground _together._ Shepard was giddy and nervous and excited all at once. This reset loop was different. She had finally done it; finally convinced Nihlus to heed her warnings. They had discussed in length their plan of attack. Jane taught him every detail about Eden Prime. She made him memorize every turn they would take.

Not only would this mission start differently, they would end it on their own terms this time. Jane hadn't forgotten her promise to Saren. She remembered what she had told him before he killed her. As she looked up to Nihlus, her eyes searched his face. She was looking for nervousness to match hers, but she found none.

"Shepard, just so you know, I don't like this. But I'm doing it for you. If you say this will work, then I trust you."

She smiled and returned his nudge as the order came to release the hatch. It was time for payback.


	4. Chapter 4

**Note:** I apologize for any errors. I'll try to go back through at some point one more time for editing. Thank you all for your faithful follows, reviews, and faves. It's a huge motivating factor.

As you'll see in this chapter, we're starting to get into the AU. Don't say I didn't warn you!

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The pair stepped confidently onto the soft grass of the clearing. It truly was the perfect patch of ground for a drop. For the first time, Jane looked at the area in a peaceful light. The overwhelming feeling of déjà vu was no longer present as it had been before. Instead, she was able to concentrate on the meadow for what it was; an innocent piece of land, cursed with evil.

She could hear the whirring of the first drones beyond their meadow. It effectively ruined the surreal moment between Jane and her memories. But her eyes fell on Nihlus once again, and she was reminded of why she was here. The drones didn't matter, the husks didn't matter, Saren didn't matter. While Jane's previous cycles were driven by her sole focus of saving her turian, this one carried another responsibility; to find the cause of the loop and fix it.

Step one of this new mission was to keep as many alive as possible. This included Jenkins. The first victim in her terrible story, she had watched him die just as many times as Nihlus. As she saw him step before everyone towards the next bend Shepard realized it was because of inexperience. The kid was talented, but he was just a kid; Old enough to fight, too young to know how.

"Jenkins! Get your ass back here right now." Shepard called authoritatively. Her yell was unintentionally loud, garnering the attention of both Jenkins and Nihlus. She glanced at the turian who stood ever watchful, likely cataloging her actions mentally. If he meant his words about her Spectre-ship in one loop, he was sure to have meant it this time around. His silent scrutiny wasn't surprising and she didn't mind. Let him see how well she knew this area from re-living it over and over. If her story wasn't convincing in the cargo hold, the trek through the wilds of Eden Prime should prove the truth enough.

Jenkins appeared in front of her sheepishly. "Sorry, Commander. Just got a little excited to kick some ass, I guess."

Nihlus bit out a harsh laugh, "As a soldier, getting a little excited is only allowed in the bedroom, Corporal." He casually bent down to study some odd foliage. Jane placed a hand on Jenkins' shoulder in a firm, but reassuring grip.

"Just remember not to charge in like that. You'll get yourself killed before the rest of us." A frown befell her face as she remembered the scene of Jenkins' lifeless body on the ground. Not this time.

Shepard motioned for her shore party to follow. She and Nihlus moved into forward defensive positions while Jenkins and Alenko brought up an offensive rear. They were seemingly untouchable to the drones hovering around them. Nihlus' shields proved extremely useful for the group, as the ablative plating emanated a strong magnetic field. Almost all of the projectiles shot at them at light speed were ricocheted off. The few bullets that did make it through his shield were slowed enough to merely tink lightly against armor before falling harmlessly to the ground.

Shepard found herself smiling through the fray, ecstatic at their success. Jenkins had survived, no one had been hurt, and they had managed to destroy most of the drones without even being seen.

"Well, that was a hell of a firefight!" Jenkins laughed as they stumbled out of the hills and into a clearing with large trees. _Ashley's clearing_. Jane walked a few feet in front of them to inspect a fallen drone. She smirked when her search revealed 3 ammo packs for her friend. Each cycle had always been stressful, but finding Ashley every time seemed to help ease her burdens. And in the last cycle, they had become close friends. The lieutenant had always been there for her when the going became rough. She thought fondly of a time when the two women reminisced about their first meeting at the edge of the tree line. If Shepard had to relive this part 100 more times, she would make sure to always have ammo ready for her.

Jane clipped the packs to her thigh and stood, cocking her pistol. Nihlus looked at her then glanced further ahead. His eyes were alert and…alarmed? When he started stalking past her, Jane became suspicious at the growing feeling of dread in her gut. She followed instinctively, motioning to the other two to come with.

When they finally reached the edge of the trees, she saw Ashley. She lay against the rocks, lifeless.

With a small cry, Shepard ran to her friend and immediately checked her vitals; barely alive. Nihlus spoke what Shepard already knew in her heart to be true.

"She's not going to make it out of here."

Tears stung her eyes as she reached out to cradle the dying woman's head in her lap. Ashley sputtered and coughed violently. When her fit subsided, Jane gently removed her helmet and set it to the side. She wiped blood matted hairs from her friend's face as Ashley looked up at her.

"I…a…a-ambushed." Ashley's breathing was ragged and her voice was barely even a whisper. She leaned heavily against Jane, breathing steady but strained. It gave an opportunity for Shepard to assess her injuries. Her legs were nearly ripped to shreds. The armor looked as if it hadn't done anything to protect her. Oil and grime was sprayed across her chest and was mixed with blood that seeped from a gruesome wound in her abdomen. Jane's fingers reached out to touch the hole in her armor lightly.

Nihlus had bent next to the pair, performing his own examination. "Shotgun blast; point blank. They take your gun?" Ashley nodded weakly. Shepard watched as Nihlus sighed deeply and shook his head. He placed a hand on the lieutenant's arm and squeezed lightly while smiling at her. "I bet you gave them hell, didn't you?"

The tears that had welled in Jane's eyes finally dropped when Ashley gave a small quirk of her lips in a weak smile and nodded. As Nihlus stood and backed away to offer them privacy, Jane bent to hug her friend closer. The woman that had been right there with her through her entire search for Saren was once again here; but dying before her time. It seemed she couldn't get anything right. This place really was cursed. If one person was saved and another died in their stead, what good did it do to change anything?

She felt a hand on her shoulder; it was Nihlus, offering support but keeping watch for another ambush. "Shepard…we need to move."

A painful sigh left Jane's lungs as she witnessed yet another soul die in her arms.

"Yeah. I know."

Folding Ashley's limp arms across her chest, Jane whispered a few parting words and rose to her feet. Alenko had just finished standing the lieutenant's gun in the ground as Jenkins moved to place the battered pink and white helmet on top of the barrel. The small company followed Shepard and gave a salute to the fallen warrior before turning to leave the clearing.

"You knew her well?" Nihlus inquired softly as they rounded the corner, just out of earshot of the two soldiers behind them.

"Yes. She was my First lieutenant on the Normandy."

"And I take it you were close…?"

Jane stopped and closed her eyes for a beat. "Like sisters." She looked at Nihlus. He was staring hard into her blues, just as he always had in her previous cycles. It was as if he could see right through her.

"She wasn't supposed to die, was she?"

"Look Nihlus, let's just keep going okay? The husks will show up in any minute and we need to be ready for Saren." She shrugged him off and marched passed him. He followed in her heated footsteps, hiking quickly up the hill to keep pace. She halted suddenly with her gun ready and aimed forward.

"Something isn't right. There aren't any husks."

"Shepard, are you sure Saren will be here?" Jane looked at him incredulously. Did he not believe her story? Did he still think that Saren was on their side? Ignoring him, she pressed on with angered steps. But the closer they got to the transport station, the more she began to doubt herself. There were no refugees to be found, no husks, no geth. It was completely silent all around them, save for the faint crackling of burning sheet metal and insulation material. This was the part she had initially bypassed because of the loud screams and gunfire that originated from it. Now all that seemed to be in the area was Shepard's crew.

Upon reaching the top of the hill, their new vantage point provided them with an unsightly picture. Human bodies – refugees – were in piles everywhere, burning and smoking. Only a few lonely souls were alive, moving dead bodies from their strewn about positions towards a pile for burning. And the smell – Shepard nearly gagged when the fumes reached her nose. Even the ever stoic Nihlus wasn't able to prevent himself from shying his face away from the stench. But they needed to press on through the carnage. This was quite obviously Saren's doing, and he was conveniently nowhere to be found.

"He should be here. This is where it happens, Nihlus." The two met eyes for a moment of shared unease before continuing on.

They were slowly making their way across the station grounds, taking care to avoid the fires, when Jane spotted an injured refugee nearby. He was seated on the ground, leaning against a damaged crate. A jagged spear-like object jutted through his chest, yet the man looked as if he were simply tired.

A ragged woman called out to them from around a small burning pile. "Don't touch that one! Dunno what's wrong with him, but he won't let us touch him to help. He sprays spit all over ya that drove the last one mad."

 _What the hell?_ Jane returned her focus to the man. It was obvious that he was turning slowly into a husk. Out of all of the times that she had dealt with them, she had never watched the process that brought them to their zombie-like state. Although it was intriguing to see, the act itself brought her guilt. She shouldn't be curious of this unholy transformation, she should be completely disgusted. She swore that these time loops were serving to numb her. She would have to euthanize the poor creature when they were finished talking. "What happened here?"

The man didn't answer. He stared down into his folded hands and remained silent.

"My name is Commander Shepard and I'm with the Alliance military. I want to help you, but you need to tell me what happened."

The refugee looked up at her with an expression that only revealed utter fear. His hands were shaking almost violently and sweat poured from his forehead. He seemed to be in a trance, staring only at Jane. But when Nihlus stepped toward him, the man jumped back in fear and cowered behind his frail and bloody arms. "Get away from me!" he shrieked.

Nihlus stepped back again and Jane grabbed his arm defensively. She walked slowly to the man, kneeling in front of him. "Was he turian?"

The refugee gaped at her through his arms. "Y-you saw him too? White and mechanical. He d-destroyed…everything. Searching though, always searching." Jane waited for him to continue. The man was clawing at his skin now. His eyes were changing color to a deep and dark black.

"Get back!" She cried to her crew as a stream of nanobots poured from the spear and covered the man's body in a dark cloud. She heard a grunt from Nihlus and soon after, 3 gunshots.

The nanobots fell to the ground in some sort of taciturn puddle around the now dead body. The body lay bleeding, adding to the puddle with thick, black blood. She saw the aftermath of Nihlus's shooting; One shot in his forehead, one in his throat, and one in his chest where his heart was. So this was why Saren had killed him. Nihlus was deadly, and it seemed he might do well to be on her side through all of this. How would this loop play out for her? Would they apprehend Saren faster? Learn about the Reapers sooner? Ashley's death might have been extremely unwelcome and certainly surprising, but if it meant they would stop the looming threat before it gained momentum…Then they must carry on, no matter the cost.

She bit back another gag and forced herself to walk away from the very spot where Nihlus had died next to her so many times. It was odd to see the concrete without the blue staining of turian blood that had unfortunately become so familiar.

"Okay, you two." She motioned at Jenkins and Alenko. "You stay here and call for evac. We need these remaining refugees out of here, and a damn cleanup crew if possible. Nihlus and I will be moving on to scope out the rest of the station. We'll give you the all clear when we're done so we can get the hell off this rock."

"Aye, Commander!"

…~^~…

Nihlus had been purposefully silent for the majority of the mission so he could see how Shepard handled things. That had been his original assignment, to watch her as best he could except for when he was needed on Council business. He was currently choosing to ignore the fact that he directly disobeyed orders to meet with Saren alone, but that wasn't Shepard's business to know. Why had the council asked him to meet with another spectre on Eden Prime of all places? The mystery was thickening, and it brought about an unintentional silence. For he started off meaning to only watch, and instead found himself incapable of speech altogether. Nothing could be said for how atrocious the scene was that they had stumbled upon.

As she led them through the station, Nihlus recounted the events of their mission thus far. Everything tragic that could have happened, did. And he could see it in her eyes when something happened that didn't before. He had initially been on the fence about believing her story of their time loops, but how could he not believe her after all this? She was an honest person to begin with and her actions held true conviction in them. So here he was, following a woman who he could only hope knew what she was doing, and yet trusting her fully. There was something about the way she spoke to him, the way she looked at him, the way she touched him lightly at times and compelled him to focus on her. He realized that he had followed her blindly through this whole thing. Nihlus, a Council Spectre, taking orders from a Lieutenant Commander of the Alliance.

What was it about her that caused him to trust her so completely? As they had fought through the drones, they had their backs to each other, defending and guarding. They helped and protected, working in tandem with the other as if they had…done this before. He felt an unmistakable connection with her.

And all too soon, his thoughts were interrupted with the sight that he hoped he wouldn't see. Saren stood below where he and Shepard had emerged, engrossed in ordering around his army of Geth. Chains were strapped around some large machinery and drones and scouts alike were working to move the thing onto a transport platform.

"That's the Beacon. After he kills you, I find that thing and it implants Prothean memories in my head before malfunctioning." Nihlus simply looked at her and stayed silent. If she uttered gibberish, it would have made more sense than what was just said. He knew about the Protheans; the Council had special assignments that centered around the confiscation of Prothean artifacts found in various places. But the details were never mentioned. Of what use did these artifacts prove to the Council to the point where they needed to keep it a secret? At this point, Shepard seemed to know much more on this matter than the Council certainly intended; especially if they hadn't even bothered to fill him in.

But he didn't have the chance to ask her to elaborate. As soon as he turned his head, he realized that she had mumbled a quick 'stay here' and proceeded ahead to their flank down below. Unable to move without drawing attention, he gripped the railing in front of him intently as he watched. She had a grenade primed and ready to be flung at the unsuspecting army. _Is she fucking crazy?!_

…~^~…

It certainly wasn't the best idea she had ever had. But as soon as she and Nihlus had turned the corner to see Saren and his Geth hauling the beacon from its original position, she was convinced that the loop would be affected by it. It seemed to her that every little action she took had some adverse reaction later on down the road. It was only logical then, that she would have to pay for it later if she didn't get the same interaction with the Beacon as she had before. At the very least, she needed to prevent Saren from taking the device. If she couldn't use it, then she would make sure no one else could either. So she acted first, and would absolutely think on it later. But for now, there wasn't time.

Looping through the cycles must have made her a bit complacent, because when she looked down, her grenade was already activated. With only a second left on its timer, she flung the explosive directly at the Beacon, effectively delivering a powerful shockwave throughout the Geth forces.

As the smoke began to clear, she saw Nihlus point his gun toward a looming figure.

"Saren!" She heard him call to his rogue counterpart. The figure turned menacingly toward Nihlus and laughed.

"Nihlus. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"He's here because you owe him an explanation." She cocked her pistol and aimed for his face.

"Please." With an almost nonchalant wave of his hand, both hers and Nihlus' pistols were flung over the edge of the cliff in a blur of biotic energy. He was fast as lightning in the next moment. Biotics at maximum, he pinned Nihlus to the floor of the railing and pulled Shepard towards the transmat like a magnet. She was helpless to the force as it nearly crushed her against the Beacon itself. Jane hoped that her being practically on top of it now would activate the memory synthesis, but when she looked up, the hope left her.

A large fracture in the device likely stopped its functionality, for it was no longer humming as it did before. Her head felt dizzy from the impact and she lay against the metal structure as the faint sound of Nihlus' voice wafted in the distance. It sounded frantic, but she couldn't move no matter how hard she tried. She felt the biotic energy field around her, weighing on top of her body. Jane tried to call out to him; to beg for him to just run. It was to no avail. Her voice was non-existent as the sound of a lift beam drowned out any sound she emitted. Her head pounded with the force of a few G's as the lift pulled her and the Beacon up off of the ground. She closed her eyes and hugged the structure, fearing both for her life and for Nihlus's.

She didn't care at this point what happened to her, as long as her turian made it out safe. If he was captured, she'd find away to help him escape. If he were injured, she'd find away to fix him. As long as he lived, he could continue his mission in stopping Saren.

Upon finally landing in the ship that had pulled her up, she whispered a prayer to the empty hangar for Nihlus to be safe. She was in the belly of the beast; the mantle of saving the galaxy now belonged to him.

…~^~…

Nihlus sat in the cargo bay of the Normandy with a polishing pad in one hand, and a glass of turian brandy in the other. He had come down here to clear his head by cleaning his armor. But one look at the armor that he had worn for the mission brought memories of it flooding into his mind. It was enough to knock the wind out of him. So he instead poured himself a glass and rested on the same crate that Shepard had fallen asleep on a week prior.

It always came back to her. He would first try to think about his encounter with Saren.

 _Cybernetic eyes stared into his green ones with amusement. The fool was having fun with this. He truly had gone insane._

" _I'll take your little pet, Nihlus. You can run off and report back to the Council. But who do you think they'll believe?"_

" _Then why let me live if you think you'll win anyway?"_

"… _Because it's more fun this way. I would be lying if I said I wasn't curious about the outcome. They won't listen, but I should like to watch you try. But maybe they will! And it will be too late."_

" _Too late for what?"_

" _The clock is ticking, Nihlus." Saren moved toward the tractor beam, but Nihlus certainly wasn't finished._

" _Give Shepard back, Saren. You can keep the Beacon."_

" _That's rich. But I think I'll take both."_

And the memory would always end with her. Saren had not only taken the Beacon, but he had taken her as well. Jane had mentioned that she hadn't tried dying before him. Well, they could cross this one off of their list. Perhaps if he…

No. Killing himself wasn't an option at this point. He had no idea as to what would happen. What were the rules to this time loop? Were there even any boundaries at all?

And why did he care so much? Nihlus knew exactly why, but he was in denial. He had been in denial throughout the whole mission. He had believed her story from the very beginning when she had first told him. She didn't need to try to convince him; he was compelled to trust her. Seeing Saren was simply a reassuring bonus, but it certainly wasn't necessary. So this brought about the question from before.

Which kind of interested was he? He was inclined to think that the situation wasn't about interest anymore, but it was. Nihlus had every opportunity to speak with the Council about his findings when he returned. He could have bypassed the Normandy and taken a direct route back to the Citadel. Instead, he was here, thinking about her intense way of looking at him when he was under attack, or the slight hitch in her voice when she spoke of his deaths, or the light touch of his mandibles with her fingers, or the kiss. She held a certain air of passion about her when they were together and it was…comforting. She felt familiar, as one would feel around a lover. But they weren't.

They were still strangers, and yet the way she looked at him was more than that. He could feel it in his bones that she knew him well. He trusted her and her story of the time loops wholeheartedly and that was what was making him hesitate. He was afraid; for the first time in ages, Nihlus Kryik was afraid of what would happen next. He always lived a day at a time, but this affair with time left him anxious. Shepard had lived through hell in a matter of only seven days in his eyes. For all he knew, it could feel like an eternity for her.

He had promised her action, and that he would deliver on. She had taught him everything she knew about Eden Prime. Yet, it still wasn't enough. Everything they experienced differed from what she had told him. So he would find out why. But he needed her back. The more Nihlus sat and thought about it, the more he began to believe that she was the key. His deaths might have been the trigger, but that was only what Jane thought. They seemed to have only scratched the surface of what was going on. So his next order of business was to confront Saren once more, and get her back. The Council could wait.


	5. Chapter 5

Jane awoke to the beady glare of red in her vision. As her eyes slowly adjusted to the dark tint of the room, her mind attempted to make sense of her surroundings. The room itself was of a circular shape. The walls and ceiling joined together seamlessly in a continuous curve. Her feet felt the floor beneath; a flat and cold surface. She wasn't wearing her boots. In fact as her senses clarified, she realized that her entire suit of body armor was gone. Left in only her under-suit, she began to worry. Years of relying on her armor's situational software to assess her surroundings made her obviously weak without it. She didn't have her helmet's HUD calculating her coordinates. She didn't have her ear piece to check if she could zero in on any com links. And she certainly didn't have anything that would naturally supplement any of that. Shepard might have been sitting in an enclosed space, but it was the same as if she was in the middle of nowhere. For all she knew at this point, the middle of nowhere could look similar to this red room.

She breathed deeply and forced the tension out of her shoulders. The last thing Jane remembered was being pulled into Saren's tractor beam. The look on Nihlus's face had just about knocked the wind out of her lungs as she was dragged toward their enemy. He looked…frightened; alarmed. Hell, she was too. But damnit, she had wanted him to _live_. A distraction and sacrifice of that caliber was the only option to ensure his survival. Saren had always been bloodthirsty in the previous cycles, so she would give him her own blood instead. Besides, Nihlus was a council Spectre; if anyone could rescue her, it would be him.

But that was where the line got fuzzy. Jane sat back in the uncomfortable metal chair she was so graciously shackled to. Would Nihlus even come for her? If she was in a place inaccessible to him…would he even try? It angered and annoyed her that she had resort to _hoping_ someone would come and get her out of this tinted room. Half of her wanted to give up. That half was winning. She had worked so hard to get to this point; to save Nihlus from his seemingly inevitable death. She had tried the best she could have. Maybe their time was over now. Perhaps she should just sit back and let fate take its course.

Funny that before this time looping Jane didn't believe in fate. She thought she could make her own destiny. Now, she felt confused and alone. She was alone in a red room, without anyone to tell her what to do. _At least I don't have to follow orders anymore_.

Light footsteps echoed quickly from the darkness in front of her. The sound succeeded in bringing her to attention. The red suddenly turned blue, blinding Jane while her pupils struggled to refocus.

"Are you awake?" It was…a woman? She knew that voice. Jane responded with a groggy croak. It seemed to be enough for her guest, as she could feel the being grasp at her shackles and yank on them. Her eyes were still blurry, but she could make out the sounds of dials clicking and buttons depressing with soft beeps. A hiss blew out through air vents above her as the whole room seemed to shake and shudder. But whatever the woman did worked, as the chains fell away from Jane's sore limbs. When she tried to stand, two cold hands forced her back into the chair by her shoulders.

The woman's voice was directly in front of her own face. "What…are you?"

"I'm a huma-"

" _No._ Not what I meant." The woman sounded like she was struggling; and there. Dim, but much appreciated lighting flooded the room. Shepard could finally see where she had been stowed all this time, and what appearance her visitor held. Blue skin, regal features with sharp angles; It was Matriarch Benezia. Jane had met her in the previous cycle. They fought on Noveria; it did not end well. It was strange for Shepard to have a victim by her hand standing alive, in front of her.

The woman sat across from Jane, leaning her back against the opposite wall a few meters away. Her chest was heaving, and her hands were balled into fists at her sides. When she spoke again, her voice held tremors in a blatant indication of pain.

"I joined with you in your unconscious state."

Jane froze. Joined? She had experienced joinings a few times in the past cycle. With this woman's own daughter, no less. Besides those encounters, she had always heard stories of an Asari's capability of 'bonding' their minds with another's. They were expected to be a little exaggerated, but she knew enough from experience to understand that it was only done through consent of the other individual. Jane didn't even know it happened, yet she believed the Asari. She shuddered at the nostalgic feeling of someone else inside her head.

The woman chuckled darkly. "He is coming back soon. You will need to go."

Jane squinted suspiciously. "You'll just let me leave?"

When they made eye-contact with each other, Jane noticed the Asari's pupils. They were growing, ever so slowly, eating away at the color surrounding it. She looked away quickly, whether out of fear or uncertainty, she couldn't be sure. Both seemed synonymous of each other. Either way, seeing pupils dilate in real time was unnerving to say the least.

Jane swallowed hard. "Your eyes."

The asari woman shook her head slightly and blinked rapidly a few times before muttering a curse under her breath. "The joining is difficult with you. It is the answers I did not have time to gather."

"Look, just point me in the direction of the nearest escape pod so I can jettison myself."

"You wander as if you are lost, yet act like you are not. Do you know when you're going?"

Jane paused. _When?_ "I'm going as soon as you tell me where it is."

The asari waved a shaky arm at her. "You wander through time." Her eyes went wide. "That's right…you've met her. She can help you succeed where I have failed."

Jane's stomach dropped upon hearing the latest drawl. Benezia must have seen everything.

" _Her_?"

"I saw him die through your eyes, a thousand times; dead. And you are alive, still. You've wandered for so long, will you ever cease?"

"Benezia, stop speaking in riddles and tell me why you joined with me." Truth be told, Jane was terrified. It wasn't really about her speaking in riddles, for they weren't all that confusing. It was the potential for truth in them that frightened her. The asari had seen everything; all of the time loops that had taken place. But there were only five. Why did she say 'a thousand'? When she looked at the woman again, she was curled up on the floor in the fetal position, clutching her head.

"How have you seen so much, yet know so little? How is your mind so full to the brim with knowledge, yet your eyes reflect such ignorance?" Benezia scrambled to her feet and clutched at Jane's arms. She stared at her, searching.

"Are you willing?"

It was odd, joining with her. The strange feeling of being sucked into another mind, another soul. She felt a flood of emotions; happiness, rage, fear grasping at the edges of her now personified soul and nearly tearing her apart. It was painful and clarifying, yet Jane still had the sanity within herself to find the ordeal nothing more than odd. With a torrent of light and color, Benezia's memories crashed into her being like a wave. But it was strange, because they were mixed with her own memories. The ones that the asari had seen and experienced in the previous joining. Scenes that Jane knew nothing about played out in front of her with the undertones of familiarity. An intense feeling of understanding washed over her, made possible only through the background noise of her own memories. She was simultaneously living both of their lives. It both confused and amazed her. She struggled to think with her own mind as an entity independent of Benezia's.

And suddenly, there was nothingness. The tempest was gone, leaving only their ghostly presence in the void. Jane looked into darkness and reached for anything. She found more memories, only this time, they were only her own. And in another heady rush, her time loops played before her. She could feel the strings of Benezia's mind watching and learning next to her as she re-lived Nihlus's deaths. It was terrifying.

She asked herself why she had allowed this joining to begin with. She had wanted to discover what Benezia seemed to know about her. When the asari had looked at her, it was with an aged look of wisdom and knowledge that perhaps Jane wanted as well. But whatever it was, caused Benezia to become aggressive with her searching. Pain seared through Jane's physical brain, stirring up static shocks and electrical pulses to beat through the memories. It was painful enough to convince her that whatever information Benezia wanted was too important to simply give away.

Jane attempted to pull from Benezia's overpowering sight, but the asari's will was strong. Something within these memories provided answers that Jane did not understand. She needed to get away. Her brain was being picked apart and flipped through like a book, and there was nothing that she could do to stop it. What information was she overlooking that proved so useful to this intrusive woman?

She shrieked and desperately clawed with her mental form, damaging the strings that connected their minds. With Benezia's form torn, yet still rummaging through old memories, Jane pushed once more. Her vision clouded again and brought the darkness back. Slowly, her visual processes revived themselves to show her the physical world. Benezia stood in front of her with paled skin and a befuddled look on her face.

The two stood in silence, quietly recovering from their mental struggle. When Jane blinked and cleared her throat, Benezia stepped back in a manner that seemed like she was frightened. Her hand shakily reached for a console in the center of the room to bring up a control interface. A few buttons were pressed, followed by some quick strokes of her fingers for typed commands. Jane felt the rumble of the room once more, and the blue light brightened to a crisp white. Another few commands entered by the asari brought a panel on the far wall forward. Upon noticing her suit hanging on a few bars behind the wall, Shepard reached for it. She didn't need to be told twice.

A door in the far corner slid open and she made a run for it. As her feet carried her across the echoing floor, strange static began to surrounded her. She felt as if it was pulling her magnetically towards the floor itself. The artificial gravity had obviously kicked in, through some unseen force. Perhaps it was the asari. Her leg muscles were powerfully moving against the resistance and it felt like the N7 training facility all over again. Relief never felt so good as her HUD outlined an opening door just around the corner. Moving almost mechanically now, she rounded the corner and threw her body into the open doorway. Fingers found a release valve and pulled hard. The door closed behind her and Jane could only watch in horror as the new hatch opened to reveal space itself. Only two dreadful options were now available to her; jump into the orbital stream of Eden Prime's atmosphere and hope for the best, or exit the small pressure chamber slowly and cling to the edge of this ship like a spider.

The obvious choice was to cling to the ship. It was a catch 22 situation, with the ship itself being both life and death, but simply having the choice was a gift. Her hands were shaking ever so slightly as she gripped at the metal siding. She realized she had almost begun climbing without activating her suit's magnetic grapplers, and scolded herself for her foolish anxiety. To the untrained individual, balancing along the small lipped lining of a metal frigate would hardly seem safe. But Shepard soon sighed as a wave of calm washed over her with each grab higher up the hull. She felt a hell of a lot less trapped than she did in that red room with a half crazed asari woman. The fact that Benezia had succeeded in entering the inner workings of her mind shook Shepard to her core.

She found a small inlet and rested with active camouflage. Though she sat in the devil's lair, her mind finally felt at ease. The view from her vantage point was breathtaking to say the least. But as her eyes continued scanning the shining stars, her gut began to twist and turn. Jane realized that she had hardly thought of an escape plan. Her mind had been completely blank as she made a break for her life through the giant ship. Now she sat, marooned on the enemy's vehicle of destruction. Her first discovery of Sovereign in the previous time loop had been utterly sobering. The fact that a threat larger and greater than any puny person she had ever met was terrifying. And it was only the beginning. She had found that out right before her death on the Normandy. Saren might have been erased, but the Reapers had become a very real threat, with even more allies recruited to their cause.

And now here she was, back at square one with absolutely nothing to show for it. Jane would even argue that she was now in a worse position than she had ever been in. She turned on her com with an impatient huff. Now was not the time for cowardice and self-pity. Turning on the com link of course spelled trouble, as both Saren or an ally could now find her. She was getting reckless, but she didn't care anymore. She found herself wishing that someone could take over her job. Sitting on the hull of a Reaper was certainly thought-provoking. If anything, it caused her to rethink some of her choices in this loop and equally wish she could start over. This line of thinking was exactly what she feared would happen, but she couldn't help it. One stupid mistake could lead to both hers and Nihlus's downfall, in which case would certainly put a damper in her plans to find out the purpose of her curse. And after her most recent encounter with Benezia, Jane was convinced that the loops had a lot to do with the reapers. There wasn't any other way to explain the connection.

Static broke her trance and for a split second, fear gripped at her gut like a vice. Which side had found her first?

"Commander Shepard?"

…~^~…

Nihlus barely acknowledged Anderson entering his quarters. Like most nights, he was engrossed in his work.

"Am I interrupting?"

The turian set his tool down and rubbed his face with tired hands. It seemed he wasn't meant to work in peace tonight. An impatient sigh left his throat as he swiveled in his chair toward the Captain. He stared at him with sharp focus. Perhaps the Captain would be intimidated and leave. A man can only hope.

"Good. I need to speak with you about this mission of yours." Spirits damn it all.

What could this man possibly want to discuss? Nihlus had explained, at length, the parameters of his objective. Well, the non-classified parts anyway. The only parts he could give away without jeopardizing the mission were what pertained to Saren. The mission itself was foolish, immature, and reckless. He gave it to himself; get Shepard back and find out why Saren took her.

Whether he wanted to admit it or not, seeing Saren in such an insane state was shocking, and caused him to believe everything Jane had told him. By some invisible hand, fate had brought them together to reveal Saren's treachery. The revelation brought forth equal amounts of satisfaction and displeasure.

Nihlus had worked with Saren for the better part of a decade, all the while constantly learning from the aged Spectre. They were a near indestructible force when matched for a mission. Rogue collectives and criminals stood no chance against the pair. They of course, didn't start out as a fluid team. When Nihlus was recruited, Saren was a bitter turian. Forced to take on an 'apprentice' of sorts, he was angered by simply having the young soldier around. As time went on, Saren found him a quick study, and Nihlus found his mentor unmatched.

And just as quickly as they were matched, Saren disappeared. The council always had an excuse, always had a reason for the lack of contact. They defended him and his isolation. Nihlus felt as if he had been cut off.

And now, Shepard had disappeared from contact in a similar fashion. Only this time, he knew by what means. Two weeks passed after her kidnapping, giving Nihlus ample time to research Saren's disappearance and sudden return. But to his disappointment, roadblocks were met at every turn. He would dig deep into highly classified files, hacking and searching through information meant only for the Councilors themselves. He learned much about his mentor that he did not know, and could have lived without knowing. The more he read on Saren, the more he doubted that Shepard was still alive. But a roadblock in the form of an empty file was pulled up. Only personal facts about Saren were uncovered; weapon of choice, armor type, favored ballistic information. Everything he could know was there, yet everything he wanted to know was missing. The lack of answers frustrated him to no end, and he was quickly losing patience for any outside disturbances.

So Anderson had the best of timing, then. Nihlus rolled his neck and leaned against the backing of his chair. Perhaps a short break wouldn't hurt.

"You know I can't tell you much about the mission, Captain."

"It's my ship, Spectre. And I will not have you using our networks to do your dirty work. Dealing with one of you on Eden Prime was more than enough after that stunt with Shepard."

Nihlus chuckled darkly. He made sure to lay the sarcasm thickly on his vocal cords. Humans could surely detect that if nothing else. "And I suppose putting myself in danger right beside her was also part of that plan?"

"You mean to sit here and tell me that you aren't in cahoots with a fellow Spectre of whom you have been working with for the past decade? I'll buy that when I have Shepard back on this damned ship."

If Nihlus wasn't irked already, Anderson's attitude surely put him on that level. With crossed arms and a now lethal expression, he nearly spat out the repeated mission goals.

"My objective is to help your team recover the remaining fragment of the artifact and find out what Saren has to do with it all. Need I remind you, the recovery of the Prothean item was my mission from the beginning."

"So, you're just going to forget about one of our most valuable assets?! If it weren't for her, I doubt you would have gotten as close to the artifact as you did. She was a candidate, and you're just going to leave her in the hands of the enemy! "

 _Of course not._ "I cannot jeopardize the entire mission because someone that I wanted to be Spectre was taken away. I'm sure you have plenty of other potentials to suggest."

"You know, turian, it was one thing for you to be friendly upon your arrival. But misleading a prime candidate into thinking you cared about her success is dishonorable. Who was sponsoring you?"

Nihlus scoffed in disbelief. "Sponsoring _me_? I was going to sponsor _her_. Look, this wasn't supposed to happen. But I'm not at liberty to simply discuss these matters with an alliance member. I have Council clearance, and you don't. Anything more that I say puts any classified information at risk, and if we have any chance of finding a lead on her whereabouts, you're going to have to trust my capabilities."

Anderson stared long and hard at the now deflated turain in the chair. Finally, his answer seemed to persuade the Captain as he turned and left Nihlus alone in his room. He sighed and rubbed gingerly at his fringe before locking the door on his omnitool. Turning quickly to a small metal plate, he pushed an activation button to bring up an AI interface.

"Give me everything you can on Saren's cruiser."

"Good evening, Kryik. Still fending off the onslaught I see?"

"Everyone always has so many questions, but you still seem to be the only one with answers."

Small patterns and beams bounced around in the holographic imagery, conjuring a growing pie chart. "You must be particularly upset this time to just jump right into it, despite the size of that frigate. 90% complete."

Nihlus sipped at his tea patiently and ignored the AI's first comment. Of course he was angry, and he was no longer in the mood to simply research anymore. "Since when does it take you this long to find anything?"

"Since I started researching your partner through the Geth Collective."

"He's not my partner. And don't go rogue on me after all this time."

The AI chuckled in his digitized voice. "The geth are hardly one of my ambitions. Besides, I couldn't resist myself when I found that the Alliance team had hauled one of the Legionnaires on board." This caused Nihlus to perk his attention towards the hologram.

"It better not still be alive."

"The base life functions are active, but the operational programming is no longer existent. It has been severely damaged in the recent fire fight. Oh, and you'll like this." The AI paused as he pulled up what appeared to Nihlus as a representation of an artificial nervous system. "These are the only things that are running. I was able to access his network alias, infiltrate their system, and successfully remain undetected."

"How easily can they discover your true identity?"

"Not very easily. As far as they know, this particular unit is still alive. I'm imitating its communication patterns to keep them oblivious. Right now, they think I'm trying to contact another legionnaire for information on the illusive Commander."

"Not far from the truth, I suppose." A flash of green entered his vision as Jane's face pulled up on the holo-screen.

"I've found her. She is resting on Saren's cruiser, orbiting Eden Prime."

This was it. The contact he had been waiting for. Though his AI had tasked itself with attempting communication with Shepard at least once a day, nothing ever came of its outreaches. Hearing those three words felt like rapture, but the wording seemed odd.

"Resting? _On_?"

"Yes, both."

"You never say 'on'. You say 'in'. Resting _in_ his cruiser."

"No, I've made contact. She is on the hull, 'star-gazing', she says."

In no time at all, Nihlus was headed to his small pod. Knowing that the diplomatic pod would not have any defense once outside the Normandy, he hesitated.

"Oh come on, live a little!" Chimed the AI from inside Nihlus's earpiece. He grunted impatiently in response, but proceeded to climb aboard. Upon closing the hatch, Nihlus engaged the active camouflage sensors and shield generators. Perhaps not _completely_ defensless, so it was a start.

…~^~…

"So…you have an unchained AI…and you let it do whatever it wants." Jane asked Nihlus with a tone of voice that teetered between sounding incredulous and scornful. He chose to ignore the scornful part as he watched her scoot closer to the small holo-platform. His AI stood straight in the display, as if to boast in the newfound attention and show off its digital colorization. Jane sat back with her arms crossed and proceeded to ask the AI multiple questions, one right after the other. 'Where did you come from, how did Nihlus acquire you, do you have embarrassing photos of Nihlus'… _Wait, what_?

"Shepard…" He cleared his throat loudly in an attempt to stop any further prying.

"Nihlus, I…" her voice trailed off quietly and ended with a defeated sigh. Ever since they had returned from her own retrieval, she had been stalling. Jane knew there was much to discuss, and she knew that he would bring it up sooner rather than later, but it felt surreal now. She was walking in a world completely unknown to her, and for once, she just wanted to enjoy it.

Too many times had she relived the same loop over and over again. Too many times had she changed some part of a loop, only to restart and realize it was all for naught. The last time was the worst. She had gone through the entire loop, lived for an entire year in a constant state of distress. Jane died and came back, just as she always did.

But this time was beautiful. Nihlus was alive and anything Jane did yielded uncalculated results. It was as if it were some other Shepard's life that she had switched places with. And she was happy with every minute of it. She reveled in the feeling of the unknown looming over her. Jane welcomed the feeling of uncertainty with each waking moment.

The only downside she could think of as she stared quietly into the small, transparent eyes of Nihlus's AI was the fact that she could never share this euphoric feeling with anyone else. She truly wanted at least Nihlus to understand. He was, after all, the man that she had grown so close with despite his resetting memory with each loop. But how could she explain what this was like? How could she dictate in so many words how utterly tragic it was to be stuck, and then suddenly, she felt like the sun had come out. He had told her before Eden Prime that he liked how detailed everything was. He appreciated the fact that they knew what was coming. So how would he see her reckless testing? It was a wonder in and of itself of how to let him know how truly grateful she was for his cleaning up her mess.

Was there even any way to tell him her thanks? She felt that there wasn't a word in existence that could convey how she felt. He could have left her; forgotten about her. He could have moved on and taken any glory for himself. He _could_ have, but he didn't. Instead, he spent his time looking for her. And Jane was at a loss for words by it.

His hand somehow found its way to her shoulder amidst all her thoughts. It was the most comforting feeling Jane had ever experienced. In the middle of the chaos of her new world, his touch was like an anchor. Where her mind reeled with questions of the undiscovered universe, he served as her breadcrumbs. She felt his fingers squeeze at her shoulder before his arm drooped back to his side. Jane let the unconsciously held breath in her lungs out in an almost exasperated sigh. She hadn't felt this relaxed in ages, and she let it show.

But all too soon, the moment ended and they were brought back to business by a quiet inquiry from the AI.

"Now that mission 1 is complete, where would you like to go from here?"

Nihlus paused and pulled a chair next to Jane's. "What happens next?"

She just looked at him blankly, mouth slightly agape. "I…I don't know. The last loop took me through so many missions and ended in Saren's death. But there hasn't really been any part of this time that matches with the last…the most significant being the fact that you're still here."

"So we're on our own for this one?" Jane reluctantly nodded affirmative.

She watched his mandibles twitch outward in a smile and she realized it had become one of her favorite things to see. "Why don't we go make you a Spectre before anything else happens?"


	6. Chapter 6

_**I received a wonderful message from a faithful reader, and I just want to say thank you. The fact that someone liked my stories enough to check and see if they were still coming along gave an incredible feeling. To anyone else that might have a request, or simply just want to ask about an update if it's been more than a couple of weeks; don't be afraid to message me.**_

 _ **I hope you like this chapter; it's got a lot more 'thought' dialogue in it. One of the more dramatic 'episodes'.**_

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The regal voice of Councilor Tevos reverberated softly in Nihlus's ear canals like running water; soothing and effectively in the background. She was speaking of some sort of hurdle they must push through to ensure the success of another member of the spectres. Though it might have been of some importance for the Asari Councilor, it was hardly high on his list of 'things to pay attention to'. Her words ranked somewhere between 'eat an actual meal for once' and 'stay hydrated'; in other words, menial. Rather than wasting time focusing on a verbal version of something he could read on a news page, he was thinking on more pressing matters. Like a plan of action against Saren.

He had spoken in great length with Jane of how they should approach dealing with the rogue 'villian'. The conversation turned heated, with neither of them agreeing on one particular method. Nihlus had stood firm in his idea of bating Saren into thinking the council was completely on his side. Silent meetings with the turian member would prove useful in keeping their alibis solid in innocence, with neither of the other two members suspicious of any form of deception. Saren would feel open and inevitably grow bold in his actions, leaving more room for error on his part.

But Shepard was adamant in her opinion of it being the most terrible idea in the history of time. There was only one way to fool Saren into thinking the Council hated them, and that was to mimic the forum that she and Udina had held in her previous time cycle; something Shepard refused to do. She did not live through five of his deaths to repeat past mistakes. According to her, every single part of their journey must be different. Nihlus tried to reason with her; tried to explain that it wouldn't be completely similar. They would first go to the turian councilor, alert him of their findings, then proceed to point the finger at Saren publicly. All three councilors (including their turian, at their request) would 'embarrass' Nihlus and Shepard by shutting them down and allowing Saren a small, smug victory. The cockiness he would gain from that encounter would ensure his downfall from his swollen pride. This, of course, was not the right way for Shepard. She hated the idea of even speaking with the council at all about Saren being there.

He remembered visibly tensing when she suggested hiding the bit about the reapers and the beacon. She was under the impression that no one would believe them anyway and that it might be best to try something completely different. They could keep every bad thing secret, and follow where Saren would go under the security of their spectre-status. Nihlus knew it would never work that way, and made it clear to her that he lacked motivation to help with her plan of action.

Of course he was aware that his ending sentence was immature at best, but offering an ultimatum seemed to be the only way to get her to see logic. He felt she was blinded by her emotions. Perhaps she hadn't quite figured out how to come to terms with the fact that she could no longer predict the outcome. It was in this revelation that Nihlus relaxed; he seemed to have discovered a small piece to the puzzle that was Jane. If this truly was the source of her stubbornness in this matter, then maybe all she needed was a bit of time.

Unfortunately, time wasn't exactly something that they had in abundance, especially not currently with an asari councilor yapping about how great having another species in the spectres will be. He reminded himself to give a small nod to the woman as a cue that he was still 'listening' before glancing over at Jane. She was seated across from him with her elbows resting on the table and her hands folded neatly in front of her mouth; the picture of boredom. Like himself, he could see in her emotionless face the focus moving back and forth between the drabble of politics and the conversation from earlier. His eyes moved lazily to each part of her stoic expression, silently admiring the details while the asari continued.

It seemed to be a good opportunity to study Jane's face. Nihlus had gotten to know a few humanoid counterparts intimately and always marveled at how soft and smooth their skin was around their muscles and bones. Turian skin was taut around everything as well, but theirs had built-in armor. It was aggressive and strong, and not at all what Nihlus might call 'beautiful. But Shepard's skin was perfect (albeit for scars here and there), and her face held proof of the intriguing combination of a humanoid's grace and fluidity. Her nose was a sharper point than some humans he had seen, yet still had small curves and edges to balance it out. He could see her cheek bones whenever she turned slightly to the side, but the skin underneath was both flexible and taut, moving perfectly when she spoke. And her jaw might be the most appealing to him; a long edge at the bottoms of those flexible cheeks to bring it all together. Now focused almost completely on her jaw line, he watched the muscles beneath the skin clench tight and release a few times before he noticed her blue orbs staring back at him.

…~^~…

He was watching her again. Jane could feel the intense stare, even in the instances where she wasn't facing him. It was like some sort of energy that would lightly tickle at her senses and send a few shivers down her spine. Recently she'd been lying to herself about why; but she knew. She had kissed him when she awoke to her sixth time loop. His face was the first view she got, and her body took the opportunity to physically show her relief. The kiss happened before she could think, before she could stop herself.

And it was beautiful. The spark of feeling in her lips was overwhelming. The heat from his mouth was intoxicating. She had been so overcome with joy upon simply touching him that she didn't want to ever take her lips away for fear of losing him again. That was three weeks ago.

Since then, they had successfully completed the mission on Eden Prime with Nihlus alive and well. And while reuniting with the turian was a euphoric feeling, each passing day left a bitter aftertaste in her mouth. She was guilt ridden from the mission, and it only worsened every time she caught Nihlus looking at her. For the year that Jane had lived without him, she had made friends in her crew. And before her own recent death, that crew became her family. They meant the world to her, so much to the point where she was actually coming to terms with Nihlus's death. But then the reset came.

Starting over meant bringing him back, but at great cost. Shepard quickly learned that the price for Nihlus's life was not time, but another life; Ashley's. And seeing her dear friend lying bloody in the spot where she was usually so alive was heartbreaking. Jane hadn't even had time to properly mourn her, and was only just starting to realize what it was like without her.

Shepard grew more irritable with every new morning. Bed was her safe-haven where she could sit alone and berate herself for her mistakes. But that was the main problem; which mistakes were the ones that mattered? Perhaps she was driving herself to a slow insanity, but Jane couldn't help it. In fact, she felt crazy when she _wasn't_ comparing her current actions to the ones in the prior loops. This time loop was amazing because of Nihlus, but it felt…wrong.

Of course it didn't help that he insisted on helping her through it all. His plans were practically gambling in her eyes and she wasn't necessarily happy with taking risks anymore. Jane was no longer able to tell what sort of end her actions would yield and that terrified her. She figured speaking to Nihlus as little as possible would ease the tension, but it only seemed to magnify it when they did have to converse. And when they weren't talking, most of their time would be spent at least in the same room. These were the times when Jane would catch him looking at her. It was never more than a few seconds at a time. Today was a little different however, and it caught her off guard.

While the asari councilor droned on through her various talking points of the day, Nihlus had taken to peering at her through folded hands. Their positions mimicked each other, both unable to hide their disinterest of the political conversation. But the intensity of his stare was more than simply zoning out. It was the first time in these three weeks that she had held his eyes steadily. With a monotonous voice draping the background, the scene felt surreal to Jane. She couldn't avoid talking to him forever, and if they were to continue working together against Saren and the Reapers, she realized that she needed to be a little more compromising than she had been. Because no matter how scared or guilty she felt, locking eyes with Nihlus made her feel relaxed. She knew in that moment that she missed him. While the current time loop didn't have them as close as the last, it was no reason for her to push him away with an anger not even directed at him. Her heart felt a little lighter then.

"Shepard."

Tevos looked more cross than usual with her fingers tapping impatiently on the table. Jane cleared her throat uncomfortably and readjusted her position.

"If you two are done staring longingly into each other's dull eyes, I have forms that need your signatures."

…~^~…

Jane exited the elevator to enter the most calming area of her ship; the cargo bay. With its dark corners and high ceilings, it gave Jane the illusion of feeling small when she sat at its center. She needed to feel like a grain of sand after just standing attention in front of three different news cameras then seeing her face plastered all over the citadel holoscreens. Her transition from Lieutenant Commander in the Alliance Military to full fledged Council Spectre was hardly a quiet affair. In great contrast to her small reception in the last time loop, the human population rallied behind her this time, cheering and wooping in each instant the news casters announced her name. 'Jane Shepard' never sounded so worn out. And the undeniably dreadful drop in her gut didn't help. So her escape was hastily brought by her own tired feet. She practically ran through the crowd, keeping her helmet on to avoid recognition. Though there were still a select few that paid special attention to detail, and called out her name upon seeing the N7 etched on her shoulder pad.

When she finally reached the docking bay it was a simple matter getting to her ship. With her helmet now off, a few hard glares at new recruits wanting to get a quick hand shake caused them to rethink their decision.

Reaching the entry chamber of the Normandy was like stepping out of the fray for Jane. In the few quiet moments during the decontamination scan, she finally allowed herself to breathe and gather her thoughts. The day had started off slow and smooth. Routine called for her and Nihlus to sit in on another political session with the asari councilor. But it seemed that as soon as she signed her name on the official acceptance form for her new title all hell broke loose. Nihlus had muttered something to her about tapped in News agencies and that they had a limited amount of time to return to the ship before the interviews began.

She understood how big of a deal it was to become the first, official human spectre. What she didn't understand was why the story blew up among the general population of the citadel. Once again, this new time loop had proved itself to be completely different than the ones before. In fact, this recent turn of events was causing her to re-examined her approach in her fight against the Reapers. She could no longer take it slow under a veil of secrecy. Her cover was blown and the only plausible alibis she could now carry were exclusively limited to those pertaining to the missions and duties of a council spectre. All clearance would be granted, and all eyes would be on her.

It was confusing and unsettling to think that she had put forth so much effort into reliving a single mission just to prevent one death without anticipating in the slightest bit what would happen afterward. How could she have been so complacent?

Awkward waves and 'hello's were missed as Jane rushed through the CIC and down to the cargo bay. She needed some target practice, or at least a nap. Really, _anything_ that she could do in the large bay would be heaven compared to earlier. All she wanted was to be alone, and the room beneath the rest of the ship would most certainly serve that purpose.

It came as no surprise that when Jane finally made it to the bay, Nihlus was already there, armor off and polishing pad in hand. If she never saw another living being again, it would be too soon. Suddenly upset at finding another person in her self-proclaimed sanctuary, she huffed angrily and dropped her helmet right outside of the elevator. It landed with a pronounced thud and echoed throughout the room.

She watched Nihlus through the corner of her eye while her feet marched her to the lockers. He was ignoring her. Of all of the ways he could be acting, immature was the last of what she would have expected from him. Undeniably irked at his lack of acknowledgement, her hands tore roughly at the clasps of her armor. She shed the outer layer of her suit and let each piece fall loudly. Jane only slightly winced at the volume of her actions once it was all over. She was in her suit lining, and it felt great; but it still wasn't enough to calm her nerves. It was all Nihlus' doing. How dare he act in such a fashion? He had been a spectre for much longer than she. Was he jealous of her reception? Was he still mad at their disagreeing opinions on handling Saren? She needed to know, now that they were alone for the night. So she stomped over to his crates and stood, waiting for him to explain himself.

…~^~…

If there was one thing that bugged him, it was the fact that the Normandy was still docked at the Citadel. And as he proceeded to polish his armor as he did before each mission, it dawned on him just how dangerous their situation was. Saren was out there somewhere, planning his next move while the council kept him and their new recruit grounded. The reception for Jane's induction into the spectres was quite the show, but they didn't have time for it. He had been in this sort of game for too long to be unaware of how much time mattered. And Shepard of all people should know that.

Instead of being more proactive about the matter, she had simply taken to avoiding him altogether. It not only worried him, but frustrated him to no end. He wasn't exactly the type of person to boss anyone around. Either you did your job and were rewarded, or you didn't and were punished. No niceties were necessary. They had a disagreement about their approach on the Reapers, but it wasn't something that could simply be swept under the rug. Which seemed to be exactly what Jane was doing. And idly sitting and waiting was not one of his strong suits.

When he felt and heard her enter the cargo bay, he resisted the urge to turn and call her over. It had been stressful enough to have fought off the onslaught of interviewers and newscasters asking about his new associate. Now he had a cranky Jane to deal with on top of it. And what was she even upset about? If anyone had a right to be upset and reserved, he did. Especially since these past three weeks were spent putting up with the silent treatment for a simple conversation. Or perhaps it was that damned kiss that she had administered that was causing her to be so wishy-washy in her attitude towards him. In hind sight, he couldn't believe he had perhaps wanted more. At this point, he wished it hadn't have even happened at all if that act alone was causing their clashing. Whatever was itching at her skull needed to be found out quickly, because Nihlus realized he was losing patience with this entire ordeal. Time loops or not, Saren was the biggest problem on their plates, and Jane seemed to be ignoring it.

He heard her armor clanging loudly onto the floor and he in turn scraped a little too hard against one of the back plates he held. Cursing under his breath, he turned focus on the now scuffed area. She was beside him now and he felt her intense glare practically boring holes into his head. That's enough.

Nihlus tossed the polishing tools aside and stepped over to Jane, invading her space and pushing her back into the nearest corner wall of the hold. He hadn't meant to come across as angry or forceful as he did, but it was done already. Her back was now on the wall, and she felt shrunken underneath him as he rested his wait on his elbow against the space next to her shoulder. His senses heightened from their unintended proximity, Nihlus noticed the muscles in her jaw and neck tense as her breath hitched in her throat. Her now exposed, unprotected throat. No, he needed to focus. She was in trouble and he needed to be stern with her. Perhaps scare her straight a little.

"Shepard. You never told me what our next move was."

She swallowed hard as the swirling in her gut went from depressed and upset, to anxious and excited. Struggling to keep her voice from wavering, she spoke barely above a whisper. "I did…but you didn't like that answer."

She felt Nihlus push in a bit more; she didn't think he could get any closer without touching her. His breath was hot against her mouth. Why did he step in like this? Why, after all this time, was he just now trying for another kiss. If that was what he was even attempting. She had no way of knowing because of how different an emotion his voice reflected from his body language. When the words came trickling deeply out of his mouth, all she could feel was their dangerous vibration.

"But I didn't stop speaking with you completely. I fended of proverbial bullets for you today with you were obliviously running from it all. If you're going to be a spectre, you must act the part." _Ouch_. He fought within himself to prevent from cringing. That sounded much more harsh than he wanted, but then again, he hadn't quite done anything according to plan. They were much closer than he would have ever chosen to be with another peer. That was mistake number one.

He had accidentally gotten close enough to smell her. Whatever perfume she had worn was being sucked in heavily through his nostrils after each breath. It was begrudgingly tantalizing. And he had waited patiently for her to answer, ready with another retort for her. But that backfired when he felt her exhale after answering. The hot air hit his mandible like a sweet Palaven breeze. She was warm, and he was beginning to zone in and out. Nihlus's focus went to her jaw line again and he swallowed the lump of desire forming in his throat. He needed to regain control.

There was no way he would allow himself to be placed at the mercy of this woman's physical assets.

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	7. Chapter 7

_**A word from the author:** School's a bitch. That is all._

 _And thank you for staying patient with me. Enjoy~_

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Jane felt almost lightheaded when Nihlus's hot breath puffed against the skin in the crook of her neck. It was steamy and inexplicably intoxicating for her to practically feel his mouth on her. He was so close that she ached underneath him for more. But then he whispered, inquiring softly to her.

"You okay?"

He hadn't moved, and just the light wisp of his own breath made her all too aware of his close vicinity. She was staring into his green orbs when she realized, once more, their peculiar situation. What an odd feeling this was, to experience such lightness and nervousness on the edges of her stomach for…a Turian. He had always made her feel welcomed, relaxed, and perhaps even at home when it was just the two of them on the Normandy. But this was new. These frolicking butterflies were a different feeling.

Jane had missed him after his death, but his memory never made her giddy. Prior to that even, she hadn't felt attracted in the unmistakable way that she felt now. She loved him, but as a confidant. She trusted him, and loved him for trusting her before his deaths. Of course, he was masculine, and of course she had flirted; but never with the intention of carrying anything out. Their kiss was simply a byproduct of separation; a reflex to having him gone for so long, then suddenly back and within arm's reach. No, what she felt in this moment was something surprising and exciting. The ripple of tingles and nerves down her spine was filled with an electrified hope. The hope that he would… A hope that they would just…

A hope for more than just a conversation. And that frightened her. Butterflies meant attraction, and that led to difficulties when it came to her particular career choice. She knew the sacrifices of emotional devotion all too well from reliving the same devotion over and over again. And she barely even knew him! But that begged the question of why, if she had only known him for so short a time, had she felt so connected to him?

Nihlus leaned his head gently on her forehead. A very soft vibrating hum moved through Jane in waves and it was coming from Nihlus. A trained Special Operative; a militant figure. He was purring at her, in what Jane could only assume was some sort of turian calming action.

It was working. And she let herself fall into him. Arms slowly snaked around a lean torso, and her body molded to fit on his. She felt as if she hadn't touched a person in ages, and it felt wonderfully soothing. Just the simple act of hugging calmed her frayed nerves and coaxed her muscles to release their held tension. If this was madness finally getting to her, she welcomed it while in his embrace.

Perhaps avoiding him had been the wrong choice. Had this separation that she had practically forced upon them turned out to be for naught? What had she been hiding from when she avoided even looking at him? It was an idiotic game of denial, and she felt like a fool. Jane had been acting like a child, and standing in front of a looming, warm body was reminding her of the stress she had faced, and how badly she wanted to forget it.

In fact, she had spent a year remembering the time loops and beating her psyche to a pulp about it. And in the end, it had all been only for him to be brought back, and for her to avoid and even ignore his help. She had been so obsessed with his memory, and when she finally had him back, she pushed him away as if he never mattered.

It wasn't fair that this time loop's Nihlus didn't know what she went through. It was so cruel a life to have her mind and soul engulfed with a burning hot memory of someone who had no idea how much she really cared.

But then again, what if it was wrong of her to care? What if focusing solely on Nihlus was what turned her world upside down?

Everything about their embrace felt right. But it was in the small act of basking in his warmth that made her realize the most dreadful possibility. What if Nihlus died because she cared? What if the specific change that she was looking for to right the loops and set everything straight again depended on the simple act of changing her emotions? The better it felt to hold the turian close, the worse her anxieties became. It seemed to fit a bit more logically, when she tried to re-imagine this most recent time loop from her new perspective. In fact, each loop became progressively worse as her own emotions for the turian became progressively stronger. Were they only meant to be partners professionally? Were they even meant to be partners at all?

Jane sighed into the fabric of Nihlus's suit lining in frustration as she gripped him just a bit tighter. Now that he was alive and working with her, Jane felt comfortable in him keeping his life. She had a gut feeling that he would continue to survive. But unease filled her core when she wondered at whether or not Saren would succeed. The furthest she had ever gotten out of all of her time loops was defeating Saren and experiencing her own death, but even then she had been in the middle of researching strange occurrences in their system. Did Saren or the Reapers have something to do with that? These answers were so far unknown, and the reality of it was that they didn't have the option of guessing and waiting.

Jane was all too aware of what her immediate job was. Saren was priority number one, before finding out what happened to her. And having a relationship would be a distraction. They needed to talk. Jane needed to stop this before she fell in too deep again. The last year was spent wallowing in the memory of one who didn't even know she loved him. What would happen to her if he was ripped from her again? Or what if a choice between her love and the lives of everyone in the system presented itself? As a friend, it would be devastating. As a lover, it would crush her; and that wasn't something anyone could afford.

As she lightly swirled fingertips across Nihlus's back, savoring his touch for the last time, Jane gathered the courage to break it off for good. After all, this time around he hadn't yet chosen to give her his pendant; and she had no way of knowing if he ever would. Better now than later, before things get serious.

…~^~…

Nihlus was at his wit's end. Never before had he been so confused about anything in his life. One moment, he felt anger with an impatient need to chastise her. Then the next thing he knew, he felt a small glimmer of chemistry between them as he exercised his authority, and then another second later he had begun to calm her, as one turian would to a loved one. When he leaned his forehead against hers, it was out of instinct. He had felt the tension in her muscles; the unease practically radiated off of her. Berating her was no longer the answer. But it wasn't the revelation that Shepard was stressed that concerned Nihlus. And it wasn't her actions or even the woman herself that was confusing him. It was his own damned conscience. He was always so decisive, and now when it came to something so simple, he couldn't even make up his mind. Should he hold her or push her away? Should he accept or reject her?

Did he like her or not? It sounded so trivial in his head, but it truly was a difficult question. So many things about her remained unanswered that Nihlus couldn't just take her at face value. And it wasn't just because she had said that they knew each other previously due to "time loops". Any schmuck he met on Omega could come up with that. It was the conviction she showed when she had begged him not to go before her on Eden Prime. It was the way the emotions in her face dimmed when she saw a dying Ashley. It was the anger and hatred she conveyed when she spoke of Saren. Not to mention all of the times she had predicted something that came true, only to back it up by saying she only knew because she lived it. But this wasn't a matter of whether or not he trusted her, because it almost went without saying at this point that he found her trustworthy. There were facts that he could not ignore when it came to whether or not Jane was being honest. The real question was what was going on between them.

As if on que, Jane spoke. "Nihlus, we need to talk about some things before we continue with our mission."

A drop in his stomach awoke him from his relaxation and he lifted his head to focus on her face. She looked slightly distraught. Which was most likely an understatement. He could feel in his bones what was coming next. She reflected outwardly an almost stoic expression, but her under-tonal aura radiated pure nervousness, anxiety, and any other not-so-happy emotion. He knew even before he had lifted his face from hers. Something changed around them while in each other's grasps. He was about to be rejected, even before anything had been attempted. What even happened?

This had first been about teaching the woman that she can't run away from her problems. They had fought about Saren, about what to do next. And her idea of a plan was to wait, which was synonymous to running away in Nihlus's eyes. Now, suddenly, it was about to be changed to rejecting growing feelings. Another thing she was metaphorically running away from. He knew it was bound to happen, but still. It hurt the ego a bit to realize that something you want is unwanted by the other person.

He released her from his hold despite his body crying out for more warmth. She had been a fire for his cold skin, and when the last of his fingers were no longer touching her and they were standing apart, it felt like he left home for the first time. Was that right? If something felt that good, was it right to let it go? As he watched her wring her hands together he realized he didn't necessarily have a choice. Apparently, Nihlus Kryik really _didn't_ know how to read people. Saren did always say solitude defined the life of a Spectre. He hated when that bastard was right.

He stood silently and waited. He knew she would say it when she was ready.

"I don't think we should continue…this. This thing."

"If it even was a thing to begin with?"

Jane sighed and crossed her arms. "You know that it is. _Was_. You're right about not waiting. I need to act against Saren and I need to do it now. Relationships are a distraction that we can't afford."

"And you know this because of your previous time loop, right?" He scoffed and reached for his armor. If they were going to argue again, he might as well be productive during.

"Look, you told me you believed me before. You can't just suddenly patronize me about it when things don't go well for us."

A pause between them occurred as soft scuffing sounds filled the now sizeable void between the two. Nihlus moved the polishing pad a little too rigorously over a scratch on his shoulder plate.

"Shepard, I'm just a little confused. I want to work with you, but we need to have something definitive between us if we ever want to get any work done. And you make it especially difficult for me when you don't even try to make it seem like you know what you're doing."

"I know what I'm doing here."

"I mean with me. You can't just kiss someone and expect them to forget. You can't just speak with them every day, then suddenly fight with them at the first sign of a little push back. And you can't just avoid talking to them while you hold a grudge for said fight. This whole time, I've just been going with the flow of it all, which is not necessarily something I'm used to. But Spectres adapt, Shepard."

"I know, and I agree. I haven't exactly been coping with this change very well. I just needed to figure out how to handle not being able to know what will happen."

"Have you figured it out yet?"

"No…which is why I need to take a step back from you. Please understand, Nihlus. I lost my whole crew when I died. I don't even know at this point if or how I will meet them again. And once I do see them again, they won't remember me, just like you. It hurts but I have a second chance at this. And this time…I'm not going to let myself lose control again. I failed because I didn't think logically. I failed because I invested too much time in my relationships instead of what I took an oath to do for the good of the galaxy."

"Okay."

Jane paused again, taken aback. "That's it?"

"It's your mission, so you can approach it how you see fit. I might not agree with some of it, but I'm not one to force or judge. You just need to make sure you tell me what your intentions are. Otherwise, I won't be able to suddenly know what you're thinking. We are after all, partners. So we'll act the professional part."

More silence, a nod from the commander of the ship, and then Nihlus was alone. The cargo bay was once again the quiet room where he could work in peace. But he wasn't afraid to admit that he welcomed a distraction from work every now and then.

…~^~…

Cold wind blew through the docking station as if in warning to the trespassers. Jane had a good idea of what to expect on Noveria, but there was only so much she could tell to her colleagues. Nihlus was of course, filled in on everything. Liara on the other hand, only knew that her mother may or may not be on the planet. Shepard had made the mistake of leaving the daughter behind on the Normandy last time around. When her team had found Benezia, they were very ill prepared for the battle that followed. Now that she had a second chance, Liara would be there to not only anticipate what was to come, but also to be present for the final moments of the Matriarch's life. It was a deed that Jane felt good about redoing.

Just as before, the motions through this mission were completed with Jane in a fog. She felt awkward standing through each conversation, knowing what the other parties were going to say before they said it. At one point she found herself mouthing words to Administrator Anoleis's arrogant speech and saw Nihlus staring at her as if she had sprouted another head. Her giggle was not taken lightly by the Administrator.

"Well, that did not go as nicely as I thought it would. What possessed you to laugh in his face, Shepard?" Liara cooed lightly at the still chuckling woman next to her.

Nihlus nodded and crossed his arms in mock anger. "How will we ever get the access card to the garage _now_?"

"By asking politely, of course." As the group turned to face their helper, an explosion across the facility broke all smiles.

"Parasini, can you kindly tell me what the _fuck_ that was?!" Jane yelled above sirens as she nudged Nihlus while grabbing for her weapons.

Fully armed and halfway to the entrance, the International Affairs agent yelled a few orders into her comm and looked back at Shepard. "We need to get to the garage!"

"Hey, Shepard. Didn't you say you fought geth in there?" Nihlus tapped her elbow with an ammo mag offering. She took it and tossed it behind her for Liara.

"Hurry, Liara! Yes, but there were a lot more things we had to do before any geth showed themselves. This is all kinds of wrong."

"Was there even an explosion last time?"

The group collectively dove to avoid falling rubble from the now unstable ceiling. Heavy stone fell and crashed around them, drowning out the remainder of their conversation. Upon reaching the garage doors, Jane was greeted with a grim surprise. The guards were sprawled across the floor of the entire hold, bloody, mangled, and framed in fire. Flames licked dangerously at their feet as they stepped cautiously through the melted glass doors.

Liara coughed and tucked her face into the crook of her elbow. "It is difficult to even see in here through all this smoke." Jane nodded and pushed aside a fallen piece of machinery to reveal another corpse.

With no imminent threat found, each member spread across the garage floor, investigating their area. It truly was a horrific scene. Blood marred the concrete walls with even geth limbs scattered among the human ones. Jane stole a glance at Nihlus, who was currently scanning a particularly messy pile with his Omni-tool. She wondered if he had seen worse than this before. Now that she thought about it, much about the turian Spectre was still unknown. Parts of his past had been revealed in previous time loops, but never enough to piece together a story. Were they at all similar when it came to battle? Everytime her eyes found a new strip of charred flesh, her stomach tightened in a familiar dreadful anticipation and she wondered if he knew that feeling.

She wondered silently at a lot more things about him since they defined the terms of their employment together. Interesting how that works. Jane could kick herself for all of the times she regretted stopping their flirting. Sometimes she even felt as if he hated her now. That was of course, begat through regret. She didn't fully understand what drew her to him, but it confused the hell out of her. Even when she could swear that he didn't want to talk or be around her, she still felt the need to be there. What was that all about? It had been her idea in the first place to call it quits, that she was sure of.

She let Liara meander over to Nihlus and his MAKO first. Better to avoid contact altogether if possible, but working on every single mission together made that quite impossible.

"Shepard! Shall we find Benezia?" She turned to face the asarii who motioned to her with Parasini. Jane waved from across the hold before taking a few not-so-eager steps. The truth was that Nihlus made her nervous, and it pissed her off more than anything that it was all she could think about. It wasn't just a stupid nervous with butterflies and mushy things. It was that mixed with an anxious sort of feeling, one that you would get when you were afraid. Though that wasn't right either, because Jane was in no way afraid of Nihlus. Perhaps it was that she was afraid of what he could do to her, _still_ , even after she established she did not want relations to advance with him.

All he had to do was make eye contact with her and her heart would beat faster for a split second. She had done it to be strong; to stay in control of her feelings. But when Nihlus said something, anything, Jane always listened so carefully. She was always so aware of him. As she neared the waiting vehicle, she began to hear the steady hum of its engines. It worked to distract her from her thoughts, until she saw him in the side reflective panel. He just looked at her. No emotion that she could see, no feeling in his eyes. Just a steady look, and then it was over. He averted his eyes to something in the cockpit and Jane turned to swing inside through the opposite end. The drive to Peak 15 was in silence, despite the swirling questions that everyone surly held inside.

...~^~...

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...~^~...


	8. Chapter 8

**_I'm baaack ~_**

 ** _This one is shorter than usual...because I've got another coming later this week ;o_**

 ** _It was just a good place to break it up. Enjoy!_**

* * *

...~^~...

"I told you it wouldn't work."

"Are you just going to stand there and mumble at me, or will you actually lend a hand?"

Nihlus stretched out his mandibles in a rude, open-mouthed yawn. If he never heard her screeching voice again, it would be too soon. But he knew it would be just his luck to die this way. For one, he hated the cold, and this room was a frozen ice bucket inside an ice bucket station, on an ice bucket planet. Secondly, he hated when Jane was angry, and to say that she was _extremely_ angry in this instance would have been a severe understatement. He couldn't really remember exactly what events occurred to get him in this situation with her, but that hardly mattered at this point. It could have been the few dozen charges he laid out in strips to ambush oncoming Rachni. Or, it could have been that Jane didn't see the charge switches, accidentally dropped her gun, tripped on said gun, and kicked a charge. That kick sent it flying with the rest of the charges trailing behind into a column of ice that fell immediately after the charge blew, and effectively buried him and Shepard in a room of rubble and ice. But, of course, who could say whose fault it was?

He understood that Jane was angry. But anger wouldn't get them out of this large crevice in the floor. And anger most certainly wouldn't magically move the ceiling of ice who-knows-how-thick out of their way for them to climb out. However, despite his knowledge of the logic behind her emotional distress, he found himself following suit. Neither of them could help it, and with every sarcastic remark out of Jane's mouth, Nihlus couldn't stop the rude and snarky retorts from his end. Maybe they were hungry. Or maybe they had seen too much of each other. Yeah, that was it. Nihlus swiftly turned around on his haunches and squatted with his back facing Jane.

He practically _felt_ the huff from her mouth when he heard her feet shuffling behind him.

"That ice _is_ pretty nice to look at." He rolled his eyes freely in the comfort of 'about-face'. Mental note, don't face people more often. The freedom to mock them silently as you please is too good to pass up.

"What if they die?" And there it was; the soft and quiet truth, blaring loud in his ears. She sounded tired when she said it, and the sentence wafted around him in an echo off the icy walls. Light as it may have been to hear, the meaning of it held enough weight to sober him up a bit; remind him of his position. They were two spectres out of commission. Comms were down in this 'fun house' of a station, and the only means they might have had of getting through the rubble and ice blocking them in was blown to bits by a certain someone. Nihlus could think of at least a few situations where he might be inclined to feel comfortable to be trapped in a cavern in the ground; all of them consistent when it came to his crew. This was not one of those times.

He turned to face her, whether out of a deep-seeded want to comfort her, or just a simple curiosity to see a sad expression on the face of someone he was mad at. It was a bittersweet victory. She looked dejected and defeated, both of which rarely showed on her features. Nihlus was at a loss. His anger still threatened to flare up in the recesses of his mind should any other annoyance take place, but it was being quickly replaced with empathy. Perhaps he had laid the sarcasm and neutrality on too thick these past few days.

He couldn't help it, though. She told him she didn't want him. She made it clear that nothing could ever sprout between them as long as Saren lived and threatened lives. He heard her, but never quite took the time to truly think about it. Why had he been so upset afterwards? To the point that he couldn't even bring himself to look at her in a casual setting. They only really spoke during missions, and he had done his best to stay out of the Cargo Hold, taking to polishing his armor and guns in his own quarters; alone. He acknowledged that it had felt weird not being able to look up from his handiwork to see her finger flex a few times before shooting her target. There had always been something relaxing about hearing her steady breathing followed by a gunshot. Though it might have been background noise, to Nihlus it was company. He had come to care for her, and not just because of that rogue kiss.

She was pacing in their frozen chamber now, mumbling to herself and typing into her omnitool. His eyes followed her movements back and forth while his mind retraced the moments of their shared lip-lock. How could she forget that? How could she do that to him, then tell him it shouldn't have happened? Without those exact words, she prevented it from happening again. If it were only that simple though. As Nihlus sank to the floor with his back against the wall, he became more and more confused at the woman before him as he thought about why he was mad. Because so far, he had figured out that he was upset _at_ her for a particular reason that currently hid itself from him. He had brushed it off and credited his ire to her rejection. This moment, in their icy prison, was the first time Nihlus had actually tried to figure out why his stomach sank when Jane looked at him, and why he couldn't bring himself to ever lock eyes with her.

He looked at her form, worried and cold. Her helmet was off, and Jane brought up a hand to scratch her scalp lightly in thought. He liked when she did that. He liked the way she shifted her weight when standing and pondering something. He liked how her hips swayed just enough to catch his eye when she walked. And in the small bit of privacy that he had with Jane facing away from him, he realized. He could never get tired of those things.

He might save a hard, uncaring look for when they lock eyes, but why did they ever lock eyes in the first place? Because he was always looking at her. Every chance he got, she was in his view. He didn't just like those small details about her, he loved them. And when she told him things couldn't continue in the path they were going, Nihlus's heart broke because he knew _exactly_ where they were going. And he was okay with that. But she wasn't, and that hurt him. The universe seemed to be giving him every sign that he was captivated by her, but he was forced to ignore it. _That_ was why he was becoming so cranky.

 _Damn_. He thought in defeat. He almost wished he hadn't sat and figured out the source of his foul mood.

* * *

…~^~…

"Mother."

Liara stood, tall and unwavering before the wicked creature that was once her mother. The woman wore a headdress that Liara had never seen before, and revealed much of her skin in a way that was quite different and unbecoming of the Matriarch. It wasn't the same woman she used to know, and when the Matriarch spoke, it wasn't the same tone that Liara knew.

"So nice to see you, Liara. Have you worked at bettering yourself in these years that I've been gone? I should like to see your skills." Benezia biotically lifted an assortment of crates and boxes from around the room and flung them at her daughter. Liara hastily drew up a shield, bouncing the onslaught away from her now crouched form.

She frowned at the matriarch. "I did not come to fight you. I know these Rachni from my studies; I demand an explanation, mother."

The biotic glow from Benezia's skin faded, but held in her eyes. Walking to the large glass dome, she entered a few commands before replying. "My dear Liara. There is so much you do not know of this universe. You see me, among the deceased creatures of old, and accuse me of treachery. How can you make such an accusation against your own mother, when you do not know why I have done this? Is it so wrong to seek knowledge from an ancient race?"

"You raised them and sent them upon helpless innocents! They have devoured your scientists and destroyed the soldiers. What knowledge could you possibly gain from such blind hunger!?" Liara balled her fists and followed after her mother onto the platform. From her new vantage point, she saw what the glass dome housed; The Queen. Upon spotting the shock on her face, Benezia laughed.

"Don't be so surprised now. True knowledge comes from sentience, and I have found the Rachni's source. These benevolent beings of old will be able to give me that which I seek." She punctuated by hitting a final button, causing air and pressure valves to release all around them. A raging siren began sounding off as Liara fought to raise her voice loud enough.

"You must not set the Queen free!" She yelled as tendrils of biotic energy extended from her hands and whipped every object they could grab at Benezia.

The Matriarch held open both palms and a blinding shockwave bounded from her core, knocking Liara onto her back, and shorting out the electrical connections to the facility. She approached her injured daughter, with the Rachni Queen stepping and clicking beneath the platform.

"Why is your Shepard not with you?"

Liara weakly smiled as she lay clutching her broken arm. "Honestly, I hadn't expected to run into you. I came to find a way for Shepard to get out of a chamber she's stuck in." She watched warily as Benezia stood in thought. Her eyes glowed, and the Rachni queen responded with a shrill screech. The giant being's antennae reached through open doors and Liara's breathing quickened nervously when she saw the Rachni release thousands upon thousands of spores into the hallways.

As if reading her daughter's mind, Benezia answered. "She will find her and bring her to us. We will wait."

* * *

…~^~…

Jane noticed Nihlus sitting behind her, and she sighed. Communications were down and her frantic tries to get a hold of anyone above them were for naught. He seemed to have the right idea, so she sat with her back against the opposite ice wall, facing him. It was cramped, and their knees were only a few centimeters away from touching. Jane opted to ignore it, as it appeared Nihlus was doing the same. At first she tried to avoid looking at his face. The past few days were awkward whenever they caught eyes with each other, so it would be amplified in such close quarters. She looked up to study the walls, moving from one side to the other, trying to find a crack somewhere. But she eventually ran out of wall to look at, and stole the tiniest glance at him.

He was staring off into space, oblivious of her eyes now boring into his own.

"Nihlus…?"

He hummed softly at her, blinking a few times before turning his irises to her. "You okay?" he asked before she even had the opportunity to inquire of him the same.

She rubbed at her knees with both hands. "I was just going to ask you that. But…I'm fine. Just worried about all of them up there."

She watched him nod slowly and lean forward with his chin on his hands. It made him seem much closer than before, and Jane felt her heart flutter nervously. She steeled herself and continued, despite the distraction. "I also want to apologize…I feel like I've needed to do that a lot lately. But you've been very patient through all of this, and I really appreciate it." Nihlus suddenly stood and leaned his body against the wall behind him. It felt to Jane like he wanted to get as far away from her as possible, which wasn't very far, given their current location. It made her heart ache, but she couldn't blame him. She truly had wronged him by essentially leading on a man that seemed to be okay with her ridiculous life.

She inwardly winced as the memory of Nihlus's hurt replayed in her mind. He had made her realize how deep a problem she had caused when saying that she couldn't just kiss him and act like nothing happened. It was true, but it seemed like he felt rejected for the wrong reasons. Did he truly think she could forget what she did? She _missed_ him, and so she showed it in the only way her body knew how at that time. Yes, it was rash, and yes, she did it without thinking at all of the consequences. But she couldn't forget it after that, and it was the very basis for her ending their path. Before then, she had felt he was someone she could rely on. But thinking on his memory after his passing stirred something in her that she found hard to explain. It couldn't be put to words, but it was the same feeling that made her bring her lips to his in the first place. If she fell any more into love with that Spectre, she wouldn't be able to bear the thought of losing him again. The universe didn't need a love-sick hero, it needed a selfless one. And if Jane continued with her feelings towards the turian, she would put him before all else. Perhaps this was her second chance to truly explain herself. _Easier said than done…_

"Nihlus, we should talk about some things."

...~^~...

Nihlus took care to sigh exasperatedly _mentally_ and not audibly. He didn't really want to have this talk with her, because he knew what it was going to be about. She would tell him that he's been acting strange, and he would spill his guts about how he thinks he has deep feelings for her, and she would say it can't be possible. Rejection, again. This was _not_ how Nihlus imagined the experience to be with a new Spectre. He always readied himself to be training a new one in at some point, but the thought was always accompanied with a professional mindset. This was…dramatic. Which was part of the reason why he scrambled away from her. Here was another instance where she demanded his attention, but he could barely give it because of everything swirling in his brain. Hopefully humans were as attuned to body language as turians were.

He watched with mild horror as her mouth opened and tumbled out so many words that he didn't want to hear. Nihlus wanted to close his eyes and cover his ears. It was so small a space, and they just weren't getting along, couldn't she see that? It was all so recognizable as another rejection in the works.

"…I think you misunderstood why I didn't want things to continue between us." _Yes, I definitely did, Shepard. Please, do go on._

"At first, I didn't feel that way about you. You know, the time loops and all…" He stifled a yawn as she went on a tangent about the different times she watched him die again. That caught his attention more, as once again, she told him the story with such conviction. He thought she might cry, but soon it was over, and he found himself letting loose a breath he had unknowingly held as she sighed.

"But I can't stop thinking about that kiss." _You and me both._ Nihlus thought, but paused at her words. She still thought about it? Why?

"I see you…and I kick myself every time I think of how I told you 'no'. I see your blank face when you look at me, and want to cry because it's so different than how you used to. And if we're going to die in here, I need to tell you that you're wrong."

What was he wrong about? Nihlus felt as if he were leaning forward a bit more in anticipation. He corrected his posture and waited patiently. He was a Spectre, and he wasn't supposed to care about these small details.

"If we continued the way we were…I would never be able to let you go. I would fall in too deep, with no escape, and that's dangerous. I have this… _connection_ with you. This _feeling_ like you're so familiar, and that makes it incredibly easy for me to forget everything else. God, I sound like an emotional wreck. It's not because I don't feel anything for you. It's quite the opposite, Nihlus."

The silence that followed felt like it stretched across eternity. Nihlus vaguely registered Jane looking at him expectantly. He was supposed to say something, but he couldn't. His lungs felt like the wind was just knocked out of them, and his stomach churned nervously. At her words, Nihlus once again felt that inexplicable pull towards her. His palms itched to reach out and feel her, and his chest ached to have the pressure of her body against it.

But an explosion in the distance interrupted them. He blinked and remembered her reasoning. He understood her, and while he still didn't like it, he acquiesced to her judgement. But he was torn in that moment; should he tell her she isn't alone, or should he continue a nonchalant façade?

Before he could decide, the floor underneath them cracked and burst apart, dropping the pair into a dark oblivion beneath.

...~^~...

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...~^~...


	9. Chapter 9

**_Note_** : _I just want to thank the ones that have stuck with this story and taken the time to leave a review. I have push notifications on my email, and it just feels so good to get one letting me know I have a new review or follower. I don't know who likes or dislikes having their names said as a shoutout, but I assume you know who you are, and we'll leave it at that just in case. Thank you._

 _I hope you enjoy where I take this! Got some pretty cool ideas in the works. Let me know._

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 _...~^~..._

Jane sucked in a deep breath and felt her eyes focus in and out. She was dizzy and faded, and she worried she might hurl. Shaky palms reached for the ground beneath her in the hopes of finding gravity. Her fingers pressed against cold, hard plating. It shook and rumbled, but it was flat against her back, and it served to console her twirling stomach. As she lay her head against the moving ground, she let herself relax. Each one of her senses were amplified, and the most she could even think of doing was to simply lay and accept it. Pounding of something akin to footsteps reverberated around her while her vision found and focused on small particles of dust hovering all around. When she inhaled, she thought she could feel the dust enter her lungs, and move about inside before following the exhale back out. Jane vaguely wondered where Nihlus went and if he were feeling the same as her.

 _Shepard…_

She swore she could hear someone calling to her through the pounding. Everything seemed muffled now, and her throat barely made a sound when she attempted to reply. She could say everything in her mind, but of course, that was no way to communicate.

 _We have much to discuss and are running out of life._

Jane closed her eyes. 'I'm running out of life? Finally. Is it almost over?'

A vibrating hum from under her back rattled her core. It was warm and comforting.

 _Your journey is only halfway through. I can hear your song…It is the song of an aged being, though you appear so young. Time is of no matter for you._

A scoff escaped Jane's lips as she smiled sadly. 'Time is everything for me. It traps me, and uses me. I can't escape it.'

 _But you've escaped it already. You must remember the time that mattered most. You must remember your purpose. Your song is the key to remembrance; once you sing along with it, the universe will know your power._

There it was again. For the second time in this loop, someone she didn't know asked her to remember something. In the depths of her foggy mind, she tried with all her might to make some lost connection. To imagine the song that this being spoke of. But how could she?

'What is my song of power? What does that mean?'

 _Make a deal with me, being. I will help you remember your song, but in exchange, you must set me free. Let me go into the deep universe and rebuild my broken chorus._

Jane nodded slowly, hoping the moving ground was the one she was talking with, and that it would feel her acquiescence. Anything.

 _Speak with the ancient one that puppeteers. It knows your song well, and knows why you wrote it. It has met you a thousand times over, and will help you every time. Just as I have always led you to it._

'I know this puppeteer. You mean the Thorian. I met him last time.'

 _Yes._

* * *

In a rush of air and light and sound, everything fizzled to dark. Jane felt nothing, saw nothing, heard nothing for the longest time. Then she was awake, blinking her eyes slowly into a bright light far above her. The ground no longer shook and she noticed a certain silence in the air. When she moved to raise herself, a cold energy field engulfed her being and forced her back down.

Benezia's voice rang too loudly in her ears, and Jane flinched. "Here you are, Shepard. I know how this ends for me. I saw it in your consciousness when I joined with you. But I need answers before you bring my death."

While her body refused to move, her lips could. And she found her voice in reply to the cryptic asari. "You won't get anything more from me."

The Matriarch frowned in deep thought. "Saren chases a secret he does not understand, and I had hopes of beating him to it. It seems I was put in this world at the wrong place and time. According to your mind, I am destined to die here, without ever finding the knowledge I seek. According to your…tries…I came to free the Rachni for Saren. Ever since I saw you this time, I have trained in secret. Stowed away my brain. What I saw with you is enough to compel the most fallen of souls, and I can no longer give my life to him. I refuse to believe that I'm destined for death in servitude. I refuse to believe that my purpose is blindly following an arrogant man to my doom."

And with a few simple sentences from the asari's mouth, Jane found herself completely and utterly torn. What was the correct course of action? If she understood the woman correctly, she had said in so few words that when she joined with her consciousness back on Saren's frigate, Benezia saw all that Shepard had seen. She had lived what Jane lived in a matter of minutes. That made sense to her, as she had thought back to the previous time loop when she melded minds with Liara. But one recurring detail stuck out to her; The use of the word 'thousand'. How many times had some wise being mentioned that number? Benezia said it when referring to how many loops Jane had experienced. The odd, vibrating ground, which Jane now realized to be the Rachni Queen that she had set free last loop, had used it when it told her of how many times she had been helped. But these accounts didn't make sense, because Jane only knew of a handful of times that she had experienced 'looping', and only one other one where she met any of these strange people. It was both disconcerting and intriguing.

If they were accurate in their measurement, and true to their words when mentioning how she couldn't remember, then it would be wise to keep them around. In her previous confrontation with Benezia at this frozen station, Jane had killed her. But that was without Liara and Nihlus. This whole loop had been different than the last…what if _she_ was the one causing it? What if the time loops were a reset under the condition that Jane made an error? How could she know if she didn't try?

"What if I don't kill you? What if this reiteration is unique, and I control the changes?" As Jane watched Benezia's face fall into a blank stare, she wondered to herself if it was really this easy to change history. This could be a very terrible idea. But it was too tempting an option to resist. If Saren was the enemy, then the enemy of his would be someone that betrayed him. And the enemy of Jane's enemy could become her friend. Of course, it was never that simple. She would have to keep Benezia in a controlled, confined environment to preserve their safety. But her knowledge could be invaluable against the rogue agent. Not to mention how much more the Matriarch seemed to know that could aid in Jane's own fight against the universe itself. So it was settled. Liara's mother would live.

Jane found that Benezia's biotic hold on her had loosened, and she was able to lift herself up with the aid of the railings beside her. As the asari woman's eyes darted around as if in some sort of frantic hallucination, Jane set to work on the control interface. She ignored Benezia's mumbling of ideas and time and continued to bypass the VI lockdown. Mira reminded her in its synthetic voice that the Rachni subject was dangerous and a contaminant. The VI discontinued the alarm and shone a spotlight down beneath their platform to highlight the Queen. The Rachni leader stood, as if she was proud to have light shine on her dark plating. Jane looked at it, and shared a silent moment of understanding. Though the being spoke directly to her in a haze, she remembered every word of it clearly. This particular time loop did not require the use of a surrogate body to converse with Jane. She preferred it this way; the talking dead body as a conduit of speech was unnerving to say the least.

With a small nod to the Rachni Queen, she pushed the all clear to decontaminate the lower chambers and open a bypass door of escape. The ancient Queen didn't need another invitation, and stalked off slowly to her freedom. Nihlus had been underneath the insectoid, and upon her leaving, Shepard caught sight of him. She clasped magnetic bindings on Benezia's wrists and pushed the still mumbling matriarch to be seated.

"What was all that?" Nihlus's voice was groggy and scratchy, but Jane felt relief to know he wasn't hurt.

"I think I just changed something again. I'll tell you about it on the Normandy."

"How's the Doctor?" He nudged his chin towards the lifeless body on the platform.

Jane helped him to his feet and dusted off the back of his torso. "She'll be alright. The hardest part will be getting Benezia out of here. I'm not sure if she'll come quietly."

"We'll make her."

* * *

…~^~…

Chakwas sighed and shook her head at the two Spectres. "It's no use. She's completely unresponsive. We've tried therapeutic treatments, bio chemical treatments, Implant treatments…"

"Implant treatments?" Nihlus inquired curiously. That didn't sound pleasant.

"Yes, the Matriarch is equipped with…let's just say multiple high quality amplifiers aside from the base biotic implants."

Jane rubbed at her temples. "So you're saying I just brought a super-villain on board with us. Great."

"She seems harmless enough now. Every once in a while she'll turn and look at you, but that's about it. Do your worst, I'm sure it won't matter." The Doctor very informally interjected and quickly left the three alone in the medical bay, all the while mumbled about a drink or two.

So Jane and Nihlus stood awkwardly next to each other, not knowing what should be done to further their progress. Nihlus spoke up first. "You said something about the Rachni Queen helping you? Maybe Benezia knows about that?"

Jane shrugged and pulled two chairs next to the bed. She leaned onto her elbows and studied the Asari. It was odd at first, to be looking so closely at someone who was very obviously awake, but completely vegetative. She didn't move, she didn't blink. If one didn't know better, one might even fail to recognize that she was breathing at all.

"I know you can hear us, Benezia. I spoke with the Rachni." She paused to look at the woman's face for a sign of acknowledgement. Without a sign of understanding, Jane continued warily. "She told me I needed to find the puppeteer, the Thorian. But you saw into my head. You knew these things already, and you wanted answers, yes? I need _your_ help in this. You might wonder how these things happen to me, but I don't have an explanation. I have a feeling you saw more than what I know, and I need that knowledge. We can learn and discover in tandem. You tell me what you know, and I tell you what I know."

The sickly looking Matriarch turned her head slowly to face Jane. After a few moments, the asari closed her eyes and sighed. "I don't know whether to rejoice or regret. I feel the pull of Sovereign in the recesses of my brain and I fear my choice was wrong."

"Just think back to everything you saw. You admitted it yourself, that this is the first time loop where you lived. How does that feel, knowing I did that, and not Sovereign?"

The silence that followed an ugly discovery was unnerving for every party in the room. Benezia shifted uncomfortably in her restraints, and Nihlus swallowed in a nervous fashion. Even Jane doubted herself slightly as she realized that she truly had made a change, and that was powerful.

"Leave me in peace to ponder my new-found life, then." The matriarch laid her head to rest on the pillow and closed her eyes, refusing to continue.

They left the room practically in a rush. Nothing was said as they made their way through the halls and around the corner. Upon entering the elevator, neither Nihlus nor his Spectre counterpart attempted to move. The door closed and the holopad lit up, prompting them to choose their floor. Nihlus was closer to the pad, and when Jane noticed his refusal to press anything, she reached her arm across. He grabbed her wrist and held it in place. Green eyes bore into blues, and he struggled with himself to continue. This was about to get ugly, but something needed to be said before things got out of hand.

"Nihlus, what's wrong?"

"What you said back there. About changing things. It sounded…dark. I'm all for helping you figure out these time loops; but not if brings about that sort of change in you. I'm training a Spectre, not another Saren."

He saw how taken aback she was, and it hurt him inside. Nihlus was starting to realize that his talent for diplomacy only applied to everyone _besides_ Jane. For some reason, he could never get the words right with her. He only wanted to help her, and let her know that he was worried. The way he had actually said it made it seem like a chastising.

"…I didn't mean that." He mumbled, cringing at how pathetic the attempt to mend his previous words was. Upon stealing a glance at her and finding her quietly standing at rest with her eyes trained on the floor, he wished he hadn't said anything. He wondered now if she had meant what she said to Benezia, or if she had been saying it with a hidden motive. His thoughts took him back to their time on Noveria. Jane had spilled so much of her inner workings unto him before their fall. She had revealed it all the while _knowing_ that nothing could come of it. The truth made him nervous, and it was all her fault. If only she hadn't have told him. He could have continued being a professional, neutral, monotone Spectre that would address her as such. The anger he held in the wake of the misunderstood rejection served to help him keep his focus on the missions.

Instead, he found himself unable to stay on track after bringing Benezia back to the ship. She would look at him, and much like after she first kissed him, his brain would go blank. That was why he had opened up to her so easily at first. She had been so friendly, so understanding, so accepting of a turian, and so damn easy on his eyes. He tried to analyze and approach his attraction scientifically. There was always a reason, an _explanation_ , for everything. So in his mind, he told himself he liked looking at her because her hair was bright red and unique. It mimicked the turians' custom of face paint. He told himself he enjoyed her company because she was the closest to his level. And he told himself he trusted her because of her merits as a soldier. But the fact of the matter was that words could never correctly explain what went through his head when he was around her. Every time he tried to think and identify it, there was nothing. Just her.

With a frustrated huff of breath, he pushed the indicator for the Cargo Bay. He felt the platform jerk and begin its slow descent, and perhaps that was his cue. Whatever it was that motivated him to reach out and grab her waist, he didn't know. All he knew was that his hands were on her back, and her body was against his. The plating of his 'lips' were on her soft pair and his eyes were closed and his breath was filled with the scent of her. Her small fingers were gripping his mandibles, reminiscent of the first time, but with more fervor now. She moved her lips against him and pulled his face closer to her by the hooks of his jaw. She was against the wall and Nihlus couldn't think of anything. No thoughts, just her. Just the feel of her hips underneath his palms. The feel of her warm mouth sending electricity through to his gut. The feel of her hair tickling his eyelids.

Then the doors were open and they were apart in an instant. Nihlus cleared his throat and adjusted the collar of his suit-lining. His peripheral caught Jane doing the same. They were silent as they exited the elevator, and stayed that way as they separated and moved to opposite ends of the Bay. Wrex nodded at him, non-the-wiser. Polishing pad and wax in hand, he began buffing out the scratches left by the Rachni they encountered. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

...~^~...


End file.
